If today were a song, the lyrics would go: "Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said." -Shirelle
*Take note of the song playing, it expresses this entire blog exactly.
I don't know if it's just me but I've been seeing these shirts A LOT lately. The timing in which I saw it today couldn't have been any better. Today was another one of my "feeling like a failure" days, and being that I am my worse critique- it was highly discouraging. I was beating myself up about a quiz I took (and bombed) this morning, the one tomorrow that I'm not prepared for, and other work that's just waiting to be done. Fergie's line "it's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry" kept playing over and over in my head. I realized that I came to Philly (from North Carolina) and I'm not getting this college "gig" right. The expectations my parents have aren't anywhere near being met, and they set the bar high. Not to be mistaken, when it comes to academics, I've given them reason to expect the best from me. However, this time... I don't think I'll score as high on the charts as they'd like. Than I realized, I am in college now.. this is about me. It is my time. I can't do what I'm doing for anyone but me. No longer is it about letting them down, it's about letting myself down. I know what I'm capable of; I know who will be most effected if I come out of this with my head bowed, feeling defeated. I have to make decisions, the right ones, and live by them.. blood, sweat, and laughs (no tears). God is in control, but I have to take the path he has laid before me. If I want to walk on water, I have to get out the boat.
Got a bit side tracked.. back to the story- I'm walking around feeling like a loser and I see someone wearing that shirt. It immediately brought me back to reality. The only logical thing to do would be to get up, get out, and make a change. I can't let the burden of anyone, not even my parents, weigh on me. I have to make myself proud. I come first. No shedding tears or calling parents asking for help. Those days are behind me. I'm a big girl now. In the words of Billie Holiday:
"Mama may have,
Papa may have,
But God bless the child that has his own.."2 fingers and blessings,
B
That's right boo! I've been telling you that all along, you got to do what's best for you.. until the day you give birth to a child that is, and then it's all about what's best for them!
ReplyDeleteI feel you, girl.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been stressing about college as much, meaning the workload and the grades, because I know what that can do to me. But I have been stressing over the direction of my life. For my sake, this is college. I'm paying for this, working for this, doing me so that I'm not just a statistic in this Generation's Book of World Failures. This is a crossroad. A lot of people don't even make it to the fork in the road.
SO I can definitely relate to this one. You gotta know what you want, and you gotta do what you need to do to get that despite the obstacles that are inevitable. It's our time. And that's scary as hell to look at your watch and see your face in it. I'm hoping I don't lose my way!
-Chucked Deuce,
Be