Thursday, January 29, 2009

[[New Poem]] Just in Case

Remember the outfit I wore on the first day we met
As if it were a commandment
And I promise to see the God in you

I'm not searching for a saint,
But if you insist on putting a bop in your walk
Let it be from a pierced side
And not some pimp complex
Created for your altar ego

And no, I don't promise to stroke it
You don't need me to remind you you're a man
My presence is merely complimentary

I'm here to put the stiffness back in your stride
When I notice a slump in your shoulders
Kiss your forehead on the days it seems the world is against you
Rub your back when your burdens feel unbearable

And for every time you open my door...
I promise to reach over and unlock yours
Before you make it to the other side of the car
I know that's not quite a wedding vow,
But A Bronx Tale had an affect on me
So there's not a door that's gone unlocked in my presence

Make a pet name for me
Call me it even when we're arguing
And I promise to admit when I'm just being petty

Don't laugh when I put my first name next to your last
I'm just trying to see if there's a ring to it
Cause play terms like "wifey" never really appeased me

Know that I don't mind expectations as long as they're feasible
So, I expect nothing less than your everything
I promise to return it
You just have to prove you're worth it
And I'll give you reason to want no lovers after me

You're probably wondering who I am to request such things
But you shouldn't want anything less than a queen
So the real question is, "Who am I not to?"

If you raised the bar, I'd have no problem pole vaulting
I can respect a higher standard
You're just giving me something to live for

Know that I'd never ask you to die for me
Your absence serves me no purpose
And because of that
I miss you every moment you're gone

Granted, I'm a bit of a hard ass
So I wouldn't let you notice
But my random poking isn't intended to annoy
It's my way of saying come closer

So, take a hint
Hug me
As often as you like
Every time you get the chance to
And not a church hug
I want our pelvis' to touch

Still, I hope you can see the God in me
I may not be the best Bible you'll ever read
But I can guarantee you a testimony worth shouting for

And I know men aren't all that good with manuals
And you'd never admit that you didn't know
But this was just in case... you were wondering how to love me.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

Thought for the Day

The soul would have no rainbow
if the eyes had no tears.

It's an Indian Proverb,

I Wish I Could Paint (Well)

Kazou Ooka's Miles painting

Makes Me Happy,

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Told You So, Classes are Back

I said I'd do a post today, didn't I?

Well. Here I am. Let me start by saying that Christmas break is over, classes are back in session, and so far-I think I like my classes as much as I like my schedule. I don't have classes on Wednesdays or Fridays, and on Monday I only have one class around 1pm. Not to mention, I picked up a second job-so maybe my income will remain at a stable pace... if my grades can do the same.

Anywho, I was in my Mosaics class (for those who don't go to TU, it's a mandatory course designed to increase peoples knowledge and appreciation of literature written in different era's/locations) proceeding- so, my teacher takes out a picture of himself, gives a student a pocket knife, and allows the student to stab the picture.

In short, I was unsettled. Just so you can understand the relevance of it all, we were discussing how Native Americans used to draw pictures of the buffalo, and it was their belief that these drawings captured the spirits of the buffalo and made the act of hunting them easier. When asked what we thought of this, I mentioned a quote I know that says something about how writing down your goal is the first step towards conquering it.

I, being all about positive energy and positive thinking, elaborated by noting that believing in the power of whatever ritual you're performing in hopes of conquering something is half the battle. Performing something a certain number of times may not affect the outcome of something else, but if I believe in it's ability to do so, then it may affect my actions towards whatever that "something else" is anyway.

Am I making any sense at all? This conversation would go better face to face. '

Whatever the case, if you can't already see where I'm going with this- my thoughts on writing something down in hopes of completing the act were tested by the teacher allowing a student to stab his picture.

Clearly, the teacher isn't going to get stabbed in the face or come to school with some random nose injury (which is where the knife landed), unless he just has horrible karma. But I was still so unnerved by the act. It's weird. Really, I've said all this to say that it's crazy how much power we give to symbolism. Like, things can be used to symbolize something else, and regardless if the symbolism is dead on-it's still just as effective or meaningful.

I hope this didn't seem like a random rambling. Is rambling a word? Hey, it's my blog. I can do what I want. I'll be back shortly, have to catch the shuttle back to campus. Then I'm back on. Have some poetry for you. Go me! hehe

Really Though,

What Had Happened Was

I have all these posts to do. Still. But it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning, and I promised myself to be in bed by 2 on the nights where I had classes starting at 8:10 the next morning.

Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

However, I PROMISE/SOLEMNLY SWEAR that later today I will do at least 2 post for your reading pleasure. The come back is soon.

Hang in there,

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Man of the Year

Happy birthday MLK!

I have much to write about.
I'm just being lazy, but I'll be back.
In the meantime-forgive me.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Make It Like Poetry the grass that grow's between the cracks of ghetto streets:
relentless in spite of the everlasting.
This Picture's So Beautiful to Me,

Wine Up is My Therapy

The picture shown above comes from thare web page for the poetry spot I frequent (back in NC-yes, I'm still home) on Thursday nights. I absolutely LOVE this place. The poets are ill, they inspired/improved my writing over the summer like you wouldn't believe, the band is vicious (don't get me started on the man who plays the sax, have me thinking I could write all my pain away), and the atmosphere is so chill.

Anywho, on my last post- I shared some quotes with ya'll from the books I've been reading. It's only right that I share some of the poetry that I have been hearing with you all. When I arrive to this spot, the band is playing and I'll write til' poets get on the mic. Once they step up, I put up my journal, pull out my phone, and write down whatever they say that moves me-in the event that I might want to look back on it later- and because I know I'll just have to share it with yall.

Feast your eyes on this:

-"They say that home is where the heart is. I believe the heart should be where God is since that's the muscle that pumps the hardest." (S.O.N.G.B.I.R.D. @ her Music Myspace)

-"So call me an afrocentric feminist but don't you dare call me bitter cause I'm only a bitch when approached by bitch niggas... if my education makes you feel like less of a man than you're probably less of a man so I'll stay single with my AA batteries, but you bes' believe I'll keep every ounce of my dignity."
-"They say if you love something, let it go, and I say it'll come back to you more fucked up than when it left... they say never say never, I say accept when you can't fathom forever... they say the early bird gets the worm, I say the sharpest hawk gets the bird, so you decide your place on the foodchain."
-"I can't blame you for your past. I can only hold you for your inability to let go."
-"I'll forgive you, but you will never apologize."
-"Today I tried to unlove you but was unsuccesful in my plight." (Ocean @ her Music Myspace)

-"Hip hop please come home and I'll be waiting with the headphones on." (Twenty-One)

-"You smell like God has been here then left in a hurry and the fragrance of Him is still floating around you." (Bluz's Music Myspace, ya'll should definitely check him out-he coaches half the poets posted on this page)

-"Niggas think they can pimp hoes but can't pimp themselves into heaven... niggas will spend money on a fancy drink but can't swallow they own fucking pride." (Maze's Myspace, and this quote doesn't even do him justice cause he's one of my favorites, by far-if all else fails-go listen to his poem on Imeem that I used to have playing when you came to my page. The first quote under my "My Thought's Exactly" section also comes from him.)

-"Stop 2 stepping blind through life and create your own theme music." (Swan's Myspace, this quote also doesn't do her justice seeing that she's my favorite female poet at Wine Up-but some of her poems are posted in her Myspace blogs.) Here's a part of her poem We Need to Talk, but this isn't really how it ends-she just chopped it for this slam competition:

-"I do what I feel. I don't have to ask if it's right... believe in yourself cause God's timing is right... you're a star babydoll, try shining tonight."
-"Ya'll keep it moving. Resolutions got not time for resting." (Rhythm)

-"Sexual? Maybe. But sexuality is just a gift and a curse that God gave me, so don't be mad at me for mastering the technique." (Exotic Lust, this quote and her name says it all)

...alright, alright, alright. Enough is enough. I'm going to close with a quote by Lauryn Hill:

And even after all my logic and my theory-
I add a motherfucker so you ignorant niggas could hear me,

[Extremely] Overdue Book Review(s)

... really this post is more like overdue quotes from books I've been reading lately. The last 3 books I read were completed in (about) the span of a week. Since I didn't do the reviews for the books directly after reading them, I don't remember the context that the quotes were referred to in each book-so I can't elaborate too much.

What are we going to do about that?

I'm just going to give you all the quotes I wrote down anyway, and highly recommend the last 3 books I've posted because they were all entertaining. However, I will separate them according to how I wrote them down. At the least, I know that each section is a different book. Anything written [in brackets] is my opinion, NOT the quote. Alrighty, here we go:

(I think this is from EJD's Sleeping with Stranger's)
-When you're honest with yourself, you betray someone else. [I'm actually experiencing the affects of this right now, but at least I'm being honest with myself.]
-For the good that I wish I do not do, but the bad that I do not wish is what I practice. [I was looking for a quote about self-control that I wanted to get tattooed on me. I really like this one, but I don't want to place something on me permanently that refers to having poor self-control. I need something a tad more positive, even if it is true... I prefer positive energy.]
-Even the righteous man is just a sinner living between sins. [This is true, but TOO pessimistic... not the thing you want to hear when trying to "walk on the right path.]
-FEMA: Fuck Everyone with Melanin in America.

(I think this is from EJD's The Other Woman)
-I'm a bold black woman from the bible belt. I want a man who can make me scream for Jesus on a Saturday night, then take me to see Him on Sunday morning. [I heaaard that.]
-I can't feel anything, just my heart. Guess you always feel the injured body parts of your body.
-It's easy to fuck. Loving is hard.
-I don't want to stay until love gets cold, when you need to pull away but you can't. When you want the new love to return and make it better, but you know it never will be.
-Anybody says love doesn't bring fear aint been in love. [SO true]
-We sit here in our truth. It's not pretty; it's not comfortable. It's the way truth is.
-"...trying to change shit into sugar."
-[they wear having a conversation]

"... make this seem like it's my goddamn fault."
"God's last name aint damn."
"And Mother's last name aint Fucker, but you're acting like one."
[I read that and was like ooo, nice come back]
-First with condoms... then lust disguised as trust numbed the sensibilities. I'm not seeing anybody. You're not seeing anybody. I'm HIV negative. You're HIV negative. I'm on the pill... never miss one... helps me with my period... then... condoms abandoned for real contact... moved toward recklessness... no barrier... skin to skin. [that explains so well how people get caught up in one another]

Lastly, this is from Got to be Real (I think):
-She was trusting by nature, cautious by training, emperial when it furthered her designs. [Though I can't pinpoint exactly what it is, there's something about this that I really liked.]

Go Read a Book,

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Crippled, yet Classy

She Meant That Thang,

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Toast to the Most Beautiful Girl in the World

My Inspiration...
Happy 67th Birthday Grandma!

"I go to my grave with the memories of the sacrifices you made.
You deserve a standing ovation."

You Are Appreciated,

18 feet deep.

So, the lady pictured above tagged me in a Facebook note, and I decided to share my Facebook response with you guys.

Here's the gist of things: I'm supposed to write 18 things about myself. And I get the impression that this probably started off as something cute where people discussed their favorite colors and things of the sort, than a poet got their hands on it... as a result, Alysia tagged me (who was tagged by Josh) and after reading both of their notes- I feel the need to give ya'll 18 randoms that aren't surface material-if that makes sense.

Here we go.

1. Before I could pull this note up to start typing, I was about to cry... I admire people who aren't afraid to be vulnerable or who are afraid but allow it anyway because it doesn't make me feel like such a punk, and that's what Lys/Josh's note did for me.

2. My worse fear is that God will not bless my womb, and that He will punish me for all my bad deeds by making me infertile because he knows how badly I want to be a (good) mother.

3. My worse fear (yes, I have 2 fears of equal weight so there isn't a first and 2nd) is that I will not remember my mother when I (finally) get to see her again in heaven (if God deems me worthy). I know God doesn't leave room for worry in heaven, but I want to remember her, I want to remember losing her and missing her so when I finally do see her-I can appreciate the moment tenfold and just thank her for making a fighter out of me in her absence (and apologize to her for all the things I put myself through while using her absence as the excuse). I just want to be "mommy and daughter". Karla and Beetlebug/Pecan-tan/Skinny-mini.

4. I want to write a novel before I graduate. I realize that may not be reasonable, but hey-I'm a dreamer. I was talking with my older sister about doing something with her, and I was always speak with Ashley about writing something with her as well BUT I want to publish an impressive piece of literature/art work that's all my own.

5. I wish that I could write in extensive metaphors like most of the poets I admire. Though I'm told my poems are refreshingly honest, and I believe this to be true yet secretly despise the fact. I want to not be so plain and simple.. I want people to work to figure out what I'm talking about or have different interpretations of what they heard.

6. I've always wanted to be the shy, quiet type. Need I say more? That clearly hasn't worked out.

7. I want to write a poem for my Grandma letting her know how much she means to me, but the words always turn into another poem or just aren't good enough. It'd be a mix of 2Pacs-Dear Mama, Kanye's-Hey Mama, Jay-Z's-I Made It... not to mention, the end of Lupe's-Hip Hop Saved my Life hits it over the head. "When I get on I'm gonna take my Grandma to the Galleria and buy her everything but the mannequins". Yadig :)

8. I claim 09' as my year for change, and it has nothing to do with Obama's campaign slogan. While watching 7pounds, it really hit me when one of the characters said something about being able to change things you don't like about yourself instantaneously. There doesn't need to be some special occurrence. Just change. The time for me is now. And I've already ran across people who don't believe in what I'm doing-they have been left behind. You know what I say, "I don't need your negative energy."

9. I actually like my afro (or bush, as Dom would say). I know I always say it's a mess, and some people always tell me "it's time to do something with it", but I am doing something with it-I'm letting it be. And the bigger it gets, the more I embrace it.

10. I still believe in fairytales. The person I marry will be my knight in shining armor. I'll be their princess. We'll save each other from burning bridges and dragons... and live happiliy ever after. I don't expect it to be smooth sailing, even fairytales have conflicts. But it will be magical, and it will be everlasting. Why? Because people get over people breaking promises but I surely won't stand before God and break a promise to Him. When it comes to marriage, all the chips are in-no turning back. Sorry future husband, you're really stuck with me-no need for prenups.

11. I walk around like I'm this strong women with the grace of a goddess, but there are times when I don't believe it myself. However, Ali said "I started saying I was the greatest before I believed I was, and pretty soon-other people were believing it too." So maybe that's the first step.

12. Secretly, I like meaningless tattoos. Though I badger my best friends when I think their tattoos are dumb or shake my head at people with random dripping cherries or paw prints on their bodies- there's something bold about getting something on your permanently that might not mean a thing to you later. It's like you said "Fuck it all." in a major way, even if you didn't know that's what you were doing at the time.

13. My best friends are not my competition. They are my equals, and I feel like they forget that sometimes and try to work against me. I always brush it off, but it disturbs me deeply... and I want so much more for them.

14. I want everyone in my life to be successful by their own admission, so I can look back years later and say "I knew it all along", because I see so much potential in every person I call a friend.

15. Everytime there's an altar call at church or a chance to renew your relationship with God (which is every Sunday), I feel the need to go up. I don't go up everytime, because I tell myself "Self-you're being ridiculous," but I'd hate to drop dead in my chair at that very moment and spend eternity in the "smoking section", because I didn't want to "the girl who goes to the altar every week".

16. I wish I was a morning person or that I liked coffee so I could drink myself into a morning person.

17. I'm taking a vow of abstinence. It is hard enough being controlled by my emotions. Adding physicalities to the barrel is just overwhelming. I owe it to myself, I actually prefer being intellectually freaked, and it would please God (this is part of my change for 09 that I've already gotten negative feedback on.. more like, cursed out about- ask me if I cared? Better yet, I'll just tell you-I didn't).

18. Porkchops. Duh. lol

Vulnerability is Something Else,

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Pity my Sleepless Soul

..."the American dream doesn't come to those with insomnia."
-Jeremyah Payne

(As Usual) I Should be Sleeping,

I Get Down on the Dance Flo'. Watch This.

The video for T. Pain's (ft. Chris Brown) Freeze is finally here.
If you've never heard it. Listen.

Lamborghini breezy or graffiti breezy?
It's easy.

You Aint Got to Say It.
You Think I'm Fly- Don'tcha?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

First Poem for 09'-The Final Copy

(excuse the paragraph format it's written in)

I was gonna make New Year’s Resolutions that were actually reasonable,
but my conscious was sick of broken promises
and there’s no lie worse than the one you tell yourself.
As much as I want to change,
my soul is what needs mending.
And as with all relationships,
bad deeds must be forgiven before we can actually take part in healing.

So before I bothered bombarding myself with resolutions,
I decided I’d try something different.
This year,
I offer my deepest apologies-
before making any promises;
I just want to tell myself that I’m sorry.

Self- I apologize for being so frickin' talkative, but not being able to speak up when you were 12 and say, "This wasn't what I had in mind. I'm not ready." For being so trusting, when experience has taught me otherwise, I'm sorry… for still holding onto the fairytales and fantasies- being so optimistic about other people's intentions… because I haven’t been a quick learner in the game of life but I’m well read in text books… settling for "good enough" in the academic arena when I know I could’ve always done better.

Self- I'm sorry…because I’m so sensitive and even though that wasn't always a negative-many tears have fallen because of it... for confusing love with infatuation, and binding you to people who weren't worthy… not realizing my worth and acting accordingly… because I don’t go after my dreams at full speed… for every time I made a promise to you and broke it… whenever I fail at demonstrating self-control.

Self- I'm sorry… for Imani and Malachi and all the lies I told so often that I started believing them myself… my tendency of being clingy, when I am already my best companion… for not taking heed to all the warning signs when entering into a relationship, ignoring when things go wrong, and pressing on just to say I did all I could… never following my intuition although it was ALWAYS right… for having poor time management and not being the least bit punctual.

Self- I'm sorry. For every time I forget something about Mommy and feel guilty… the relationships with some as my siblings that aren't as strong as they should be… for not praying like I should and never trusting in God to the extent where I'm no longer worried because I know He will handle all things… for feeling like I lack the ability to trust Him that much.

Self- I'm sorry. For treating my love and body as if they were items that could be handled casually… mistaking acquaintances or wolves’ in sheep’s clothing as friends and opening up too easily knowing others tend to use my testimony against me… because I don't take care of my body like I should, eat like I should, exercise like I should- as if my body isn't a sacred temple… acting like God does not have a purpose for me and that I am not one of His broken vessels.

Self- I'm sorry. For not writing every chance I get the urge to… always wanting more than what I have, seldom being content… for managing my money so poorly- not that I've ever experienced a day where I had to go without, because God has blessed me abundantly, but I should be prepared for stormy weather… for taking pride in attending Bible Study, as if I shouldn't have regular attendance just because it would please God and benefit me to know His word.

Self- I'm sorry. Because there were times I allowed a man to make me feel whole. Even worse, there were times when I allowed a man to make me feel less than and break my spirit… for every time I thought dying would be easier than living, revealing the heart of a coward and not living up to my greatest potential… for the lack of happy poems I've written, as if my life is that melancholy.

Self- I'm sorry for being so sorry.

And I can’t promise you this drastic change overnight.
But you’ve been around me my whole life,
and you know my true intent is to do what’s right-
so stick with me.

Progress is a slow process,
but I’m a part of it.
And I wouldn’t bring any of this up if I didn’t plan on putting my heart in it.

Though at times I was sorry, I’ve never been a slouch-
what I am is a survivor of circumstance…
might have stumbled more than a time or two
but my face has never hit the ground
and my head is not bowed-
another year has come and I have not met defeat.

So I’ll keep fighting.
And though I may not get it right the first time,
no doubt about it-I’ll keep trying-
until the next time I decide to have a conversation with myself
it won’t be to apologize
but to give thanks.

That Felt So Good,

(I've decided to change the "closing color"... as if ya'll noticed)

Is It Just Me..

Or did this song not make sense to anyone else?
And I'm just learning that the group who sung this is called Mokenstef.
I know it's 3 names combined BUT ugh-mess, much?
You can't start a song off like this.

Soul Music? hehe,

Friday, January 2, 2009

Something Different, Resolutions No More

The first thing I should say is Happy New Years! Now that that's out the way- I'm working on my first poem for 09'. The picture above isn't an exact depiction of where it's headed, but in short-I'm writing an apology to myself. I was leaving 2008 thinking that my New Year's Resolution(s) [plural, because there's a lot that needs fixing] would be to have better time management and be more punctual. Heck, just to be punctual- cause I'm not punctual in the least.

Then I was on the phone with a fellow poet (*shouties to Mayte) discussing our writers block which somehow lead to me mentioning that the photo album I put up on Facebook around this time last year was called "Let's Make Promises We Can't Keep & Call Them New Year's Resolutions".

In saying that, I was inspired to start my poem by noting the promises I have made to myself and didn't follow through on. Anywho, I just want to get out my thoughts, so I'm using this post as a "rough draft" for what things I need to apologize about. Oh yeah, what inspired this idea in itself was in part of Mayda del Valle's To All the Boys I've Loved Before poem, she says, "... I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I'm sorry to her. I'm sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved."

Here's the poem:

Now for the things I'm sorry for:

Self- I'm sorry for being so frickin' talkative, but not being able to speak up when you were 12 and say, "This wasn't what I had in mind. I'm not ready for this." I'm sorry for being so trusting, when experience has taught me otherwise. I'm sorry for still holding onto the fairytales, fantasies, and being so optimistic about other people's character. I'm sorry for not being a quick learner in the game of life but so good with text books. I'm sorry for settling for "good enough" in the academic arena when I know I could do even better.

I'm sorry for being so sensitive, even though this isn't always a negative-I'm sorry for the tears you've cried. I'm sorry for confusing love with infatuation, and binding you to people who weren't worthy. I'm sorry for not realizing my worth and acting accordingly. I'm sorry for not chasing my dreams full speed. I'm sorry for every time I made a promise to you and broke it. I'm sorry for not demonstrating self-control.

I'm sorry for Imani and Malachi. I'm sorry for the lies I told so often that I started believing them myself. I'm sorry for being clingy, when I am already my best companion. I'm sorry for not taking heed to all the warning signs when entering into a relationship, ignoring when things go wrong, and pressing on so I could say "I did all I could." I'm sorry for not following my intuition, everytime (it was ALWAYS right). I'm sorry for having poor time management.

I'm sorry that I'm not the least bit punctual. I'm sorry for everytime I forget something about Mommy and feel guilty. I'm sorry for the relationships with some as my siblings that aren't as strong as they should be. I'm sorry for not praying like I should. I'm sorry for not trusting in God to the extent where I'm no longer worried because I know He will handle all things. I'm sorry for feeling like I lack the ability to trust God that much.

I'm sorry for taking my love as something casual. I'm sorry for mistaking acquaintances or wolve's in sheeps clothing as friends. I'm sorry that you open up to people so easily because they often use your testimony against you. I'm sorry that I don't take care of your body like I should, eat like I should, exercise like I should- as if my body isn't a sacred temple. I'm sorry for acting like God does not have a purpose for me and that I am not one of his broken vessels.

I'm sorry for not writing every chance I get the urge to. I'm sorry for always wanting more than what I have, seldom being content. I'm sorry for managing my money so poorly- not that I've ever experienced a day where I had to go without, because God has blessed me abundantly, but I should be prepared for stormy weather. I'm sorry for taking pride in attending Bible Study, as if I shouldn't have regular attendance just because it would please God and benefit me to know His word.

I'm sorry for allowing a man to make me feel whole. Moreso, I'm sorry for allowing a man to make me feel less than and break my spirit. I'm sorry for everytime I thought dying would be easier than living, revealing the heart of a coward. I'm sorry for not living up to my greatest potential. I'm sorry for the lack of happy poems I've written, as if my life is that melancholy. I'm sorry for being so sorry.

Wow. I Think I Just Wrote the Actual Poem-
Now I Just Have to Do Some Revamping,