Saturday, May 31, 2008

Love is the thing ya know?

Saw Sex and the City on the night it was released.
They did not disappoint.

Anywho, 'Love is the thing you know?' was Jennifer Hudson's signature line. I won't ruin the plot for anyone who has yet to see it. Nonetheless, the movie had me going through many emotions. I had planned on writing this major blog about love, turning it into a recap of my freshman year in college and noting the part that love played in it-all the while noting that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, but I have come to a major realization: I can't speak on love to an extended note, because it's still running it's course on me. Therefore, it's hard to give my hardy opinion on me and its current status. "It" being love. Right now I'm just riding the wave... taking the blows as they come and trying to learn from them. Then again, who isn't?

Just Like You,

Friday, May 30, 2008

Grown Folks Conversation

"I aint no chap, I'll clap before I scrap"

Last night I attended this poetry show, and an older man on the mic said that in his poem. Needless to say, it stuck with me. Not only did I find it humorous, but I also found it extremely accurate. My dad was telling me a story a few weeks ago about how some 'younger dudes' tried to punk him in the parking lot, and he had to warn them "I'm not one of these young cats... I'll shoot before I fight any of ya'll". Now, my dad isn't an 'old head' by any means, but he's just as 'no-nonsense' as the next senior citizen :)

Seriously though, I've said all that to say that I've always admired the mentality of older people. Wisdom doesn't always come with age, but a good majority of elders have something of value to say. Granted, their delivery may be completely off or hilarious (or maybe I'm just goofy)- but, it probably suits you best to pay attention. And I'm not talking about that reckless ranting... for example, I sat next to a black veteran on the train once and he took the entire (6hr.) ride to tell me how he would have been rich if he hadn't gotten married, that all women with pretty smiles are the devil, and his son is incarcerated for following behind some women-against his wishes.

Sound like a black man scorned? Yes indeed. I'm referring more to the: this is how the old days used to be, you could benefit from knowing a thing or two about your history and culture, and be greatful for your place in the world type of conversation. That may explain why I love family gatherings so much. You just know you're about to hear some knowledge being spilled somewhere. The only other option is complete turmoil, but that's not even about to happen with old folks spread out all over the place. As I said, they're a 'no-nonsense' type of people. I'm sure everyone has a 'let me tell you what this old lady/man said' type story. As Nikki Jean would say, tell me all about it (leave a comment). Take heed:

When Grown Folks Talkin'-Watch ya Mouth,

Thursday, May 29, 2008

For You

Wishing you the best.
Pray that you are blessed-
Lots of success,
NO Stress,
and Lots of happiness.

"When the world attacks, and you slide off track-remember one fact, I got your back... Look over your shoulder, I'll be there."

*Listen to every song, lose yourself in the music.
Love is love. Love is you.

Smile. Give me reason to keep believing
that everything aint misleading,

p.s. God promised a rainbow after every storm, and the quickest way out is straight through it. He didn't promise an easy passage, just a glorious destination. You will get there.

*As usual, blame if a playlist isn't posted

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Some Days it Aint Sunny

but IT AINT SO HARD... -Lupe Fiasco

Last night I was leaving what will soon become my mom's new daycare, and it was drizzling outside. As I sat in the car, for reasons beyond me, my only wish was that it rained heavier... one of those-wash it all away rains. I got home, stepped out the car, and stood in front of the grill (that was still burning from the food we made earlier) while the rain fell on me. The feeling was exhilirating, to say the least. Again, my only wish was that it rained harder. I fell asleep, woke up later than normal this morning, and was told by my sister that it poured down last night to the point where she couldn't sleep.

I missed it.

But today... and from this day forward... I am appreciating the rain. It represents the cleansing of the past and the bright future to come.

Kissing the Clouds on Rainy Days,

*If Rainy Days by Ja Rule & Mary isn't posted, blame

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Strictly Business

So far, today, is a good day.

As I type this, I am at a job interview wearing slacks and a shirt that keeps letting the back of my purple bra slip out. Convenient much? Anywho, I finished the online test a bit earlier than the others, and we were told to remain quiet. Such an easy thing for a poet :) Really though, I pulled out my-


Continuing, I pulled out my journal to jot a line or two but nothing was flowing the way I intended it to. Oh, now I can rhyme but when I was trying to write I couldn't even form a proper sentence. Anywho, remember how I finished the online test early? I also failed it ::sheepish smile inserted here:: Disappointed much? I am. I had big plans with that job. From here, I am left to assume that God has something better in store for me, and this wasn't it. I can come back and retake the same test in 30days, but I'm hoping to be employed elsewhere by than- or doing something productive. Getting on my grizzy is a must.

Today is still a good day, and I won't allow myself to stress. I'm heading to the pull to go swimming with two of my favorite ladies that I haven't spent any time since being home. It's one of those days ya know? Drove to the interview with the radio off and the windows down. Now I'm about to take a dip in the pool. It's not like I have to worry about messing up my relaxer-lol. I've said it before, and I'll say it again-worry only occupies where faith should be. Nonetheless, I'll be faxing my resume to a company or two before leaving. God won't help a woman who won't help herself :)

Money on my mind

Where the Cash At?

PSA: Think Outside the Box

Random: Today I was diagnosed with scarlet fever. Yes, that sickness we all learned about in history class that killed a bunch of our first American settlers... I have it. Lucky for me, antibiotics to cure it have been created since it was first discovered. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

This is a Public Service Announcement:

When I say that, I am speaking on the terms in which those who are lyrically inclined use to inform people. As a poet, performing my freshman year really made me realize the power I have once I get on the stage. People came to hear someone speak. So, whoever is on the mic has their attention and their words are being taken to heart. Because of this, I need to use my stage time more wisely. By my own admission, I am guilty of what I've coined as "selfish poetry".

Selfish poetry consist of poems that are purely personal, they were written to vent your heaviest emotions (usually pertaining to love of the lack thereof), and cannot always be related to by everyone. Be clear, I am not demonizing "selfish poetry". It can actually be entertaining, and there are some people who do manage to empathize. However, when you are put in a position where more than a couple people will hear you... hell, whenever you have someones ear- it is your duty, if you obtain any type of knowledge, to inform them of things that occur beyond you.

Just like Ash was telling me and the Cool Kids were saying in this interview they did about gangster rappers, what does the street you grew up on have to do with anyone else listening to you? Like I said before, there will always be someone who can relate to your struggle in some way or another, but when all eyes are on you- don't testify, INFORM. The problem in this is, to inform someone, you must be knowledgeable. With that being said, go read a book. Really. I seriously need to get my studies up if I want to start writing the type of poems I enjoy hearing.

Last but not least, my neighbors cooked out today and I happily slept through the majority of it until my dad came banging on my door saying some man at their house did spoken word. Long story short, he spit two poems, I spit one for him, and he was impressed.

2 lines he said that I liked:
-Allow me to introduce the inner G
that only an inner God can produce.
-It's too hard for you to be a man,
and it's too easy for you to be less than.

Anywho, he asked me who my favorite poet was, I told him Black Ice, and he made a point to mention that Black Ice has gone commercial. He said that his favorite poet was a man from NJ by the name of Taalam Acey. So, you know I made it my business to YouTube him. He is definitely using his talent to inform. I'm digging it. Check him out:

Oh yeah, don't get it twisted-get it right.

All the men used for this were sort of square'ish, (lol) but who am I to judge? It's all good. The message remains.

Be Informed-You Owe it to Yourself,

Monday, May 26, 2008

At Worse... I Feel Bad For A While

But Then I Just Smile,

Sunday, May 25, 2008

If It Fits, Put Ya Name in the Blank

Dear ______,

Washington Irving once said, "Small minds are subdued by misfortune, greater minds overcome them." You are better than this. Don't let it overcome you. I know this is all easier said than done, but you already know that to experience twice the amount of success- you must experience twice the struggle. I don't know if I ever told you about how golf balls were originally smooth, and as people used them-they became dented, and the players realized that dented balls flew further. In saying that, these bumps are just God's way of bringing you to new territory. Stop evaluating the role you played in the situation, and evaluate the situation in its' entirety. Let this be a learning experience: one that contributes to your growth. Don't let this bring you down. The devil doesn't deserve that much of your attention. I'm praying for you, and I'm prematurely proud of the progress you'll make.

I Appreciate You Too,

This is Family Business

::deep breath::

I'm home. Saying that being back has been chaotic would be a major understatement... a hell of an understatement even. Nonetheless, today (Memorial Day weekend) brought me back. There are a few guts I plan to spill on this page, but let's reflect on all that's well first- because it could always be worse. Today was one of those "smooth sailing" days: woke up, did some cleaning with the fam in preparation for the company that was coming over, ran to the grocery store mid-evening so moms could hit the stove and daddy could worked the grill, then sat back and ate some of that good ol' southern cooking that yall (the readers) are probably missing out on! ::sticks tongue out::

However, today was one of the better days. Since being home, I've been bumping heads with my both of my parents something serious. And it's not like I came home on some, "I've been away at college making my own decisions, so I'm grown" type stuff. I am fully aware that living with them means I need to abide by their rules. In the same token, I need them to realize that with that independence came a certain amount of maturity, and I need them to respect it.

My father is a present-day cave man when it comes to his family beliefs. He is one of those dads where children do exactly as they're told regardless of reason, have no opinion, and remain in the place of a child despite their age or growth. With that being said, I'm not in any way a rebellious child but I've always been opinionated. I was the prime candidate when it came to kids who got in trouble for talking out in class. My father would say, "She doesn't talk a lot, she just has a lot to say." As I got older, my opinions and I got a little bit more back bone.

Since being away, the fear my father has instilled in me has dimmed to some extent, and I find it harder to agree to his "children have no opinion theory". As a result, I've found the need to speak my mind a bit more than usual, and I've made attempts to see to it that it didn't sound disrespectful. But regardless of the tone I speak in and the way I try to deliver it, I can't get my point across. Needless to say, it's frustrating. However, I'm starting to think that the lesson in this is humility and self-discipline. I need to choose my battles carefully and not speak out when they're "coming down on me", so to speak. For now, it's something to pray on.

Progress is a Slow Progress,

Saturday, May 24, 2008

If You Can Bring on the Heart Ache..

Why can't you hand over the happiness?


Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. -Anonymous

I just got off the phone with Dom, and I was ranting about how I sat down today and decided that I was unhappy (after saying that my day was a regular one and I could complain, but I'd rather not). For what reasons am I unhappy? Where can I begin...

I miss him. The environment I'm in doesn't stimulate me mentally. I recognized this after talking with Ash Cakes today. It had been a while since we had a good sit down. I needed that. My house, better yet-the parental units, do not and are not attempting to understand me and my current state, and as usual- the growth I feel that I've experienced has essential people feeling worthless or I'm questioning the worth of those who I once viewed as essential. Furthermore, I'm a waste of life just passing out my social security number online in hopes of getting a job through this gruesome Internet application process.

With all that being said, I'm trying to get back to the "content" state I was once in.. as Common said: "Never looking back or too far in front of me, the present is a gift and I just wanna BE...",

Is It U?

And every moment since then

the one thing I can tell

is that I belong with you

and no one else...

Lay down those heavy burdens

on the banks of this river deep.

Know that every piece of your past

is always some place safe with me,


*As usual, blame if No One Else by Amel Larrieux isn't posted

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Backseat Driving by Alysia Harris
(listen to That Girl, here)

If its back and forth like this
No wonder I’ve always been prone to motion sickness
Staring out the car window looking at nothing
Hoping to get in another mile before puking my guts out on the innerstate.

Hugging a guardrail like it was you.
Trying to get stable.
You told me I could hold on to you.
But swinging in and out of these different lanes
is enough to make anyone nauseous

So it’s time to hit the breaks.
And by break, I don’t mean 2 weeks of not speaking
I mean, I see you when I see you.

I know 95 runs straight down the coast
but it’s gonna be awhile before I get up the courage to
“suddenly find myself in the neighborhood.”

All I’ve got is a bag of pork rinds, a backseat,
and a map of tears streaking my face.
And I don’t even eat pork but
I can no longer make a meal out of previously digested affections.
At this point I’ll eat anything.

I just hope you keep driving.
So I can mindlessly sink further into the backseat until I’m two states behind
Don’t mind me
I’m just getting some distance on the situation.
Clear my head. Get a breath of fresh air
pick some flowers… maybe stay for awhile

Cuz the roadtrips are great and all,
but the exhaust from your ego is exhausting me.
And this seatbelt that ties us so intimately is cutting off my circulation.
I cannot get blood to new vital areas if its all stuck clotting around you
A heart can only bleed so much before its either me or you.
And I know we’re through

You’ve told me a million times
but you wanted to pack me in your trunk full of memories
Told me it would be fun. To come along for the ride.
But no, I don’t think it’ll be fun when you find someone else and finally tell me I’ve become the 5th wheel.
And No I don’t think it’ll be fun when I’m still hung up at the roadstop 2 years back or stuck in traffic between mixed signals and redlights.
And No I don’t it’ll be fun when I’m still following you
and you don’t have the courtesy to put on your turn signal.
Not caring if I crash and burn behind you.

On the way out of a city you shouldn’t pass through it twice.
And I’ve been circling you for months getting sicker and sicker.
It’s not that I don’t wanna be friends
but driving backwards is how you get into accidents.

You treated me like a stick shift, always jerking me around
So why is it a surprise that I’m finally stalling out?
I’ve never been into backseat driving so I’d rather get out and hitch hike
Then sit like a hostage in a hijacked car
See you're like an old motor, you need a tune up
I loved you just like I loved my first car
but I still traded it in for a new one.

You used to tell me to hop in shotgun
that anywhere I wanted to go, you'd take me.
But that's ok. No thank you,
I dont want your backseat or your passenger's side
I'm the only one I trust to drive me home at night.
So let' me outI think this is my stop.

I Concur,

Untitled Poem 4

I invested way too much into this
Down payments included
That's to say, I paid for being down
To the point of being disillusioned
And now you suddenly have the urge to reimburse me
I'm not impressed by your
New found common courtesy
As a matter of fact
I'd much rather you keep the change
Cause change is all I've experienced
Since you've been gone
And it's the best thing you've ever done for me
God bless the day your cowardice overrode courage
And you decided to run from me
And God can keep today because
You woke up thinking more tattoos
And bigger muscles would regain my attention
Instead, He should have gave you glasses
And told you how worthless it is
To have hindsight 20/20 vision
Because you no longer move me
I find nothing about you impressive
Hell, I'm even sorry for the female you left me for
Cause now she's cleaning up behind all of your messes
And since you're still young at heart
You're treating this love 'thing' like a game of Monopoly
What? Her lawn wasn't as green
So you thought you'd take a chance
And make your way back to my property?
Na, you must've forgot I was raised around boys
So I'm more hip to games like Grand Theft Auto
And long ago I considered
Having them jack you for your whip
But my hearts just not that hollow
Because we were in love at one point in time
And I wish no harm upon you
My only request is that you realize
That I no longer want you
Calling you once every 3months
Doesn't mean I'm still interested
It means I'm cordial
Checking to see if God has granted you
The progress I pray for
Only to learn that patience is still a virtue
And it's dually noted the way you stare
Whenever I'm in your presence
But you're clearly looking behind me
Cause you're a part of the past
There's no hope for you in the present

My Time is Limited & I Aint Tryin' to Waste It,

Untitled Poem 3

They say eyes are the stairways
Which lead to the soul
And I can't say that they're lying
Cause as I'm walking away
I'm putting on my shades
So no one can see that I'm crying
And every stride is accompanied by a sigh
And prayers you won't forget me
It's not that you're forgetful
But I can't help feeling like
We didn't create enough memories
Time and distance change things
But I guess
It will only be a test of our friendship
I keep reminding myself that
You can't break the bond between two souls
That are kindred
Not to mention you have this thing for boats
And I, no fear of motion sickness
So if we can keep this boat afloat
Just a little while longer
I believe it can go the distance
We rode the waves of the storm together
Yet the clouds can still be seen in the horizon
But if I am sure of nothing else
I know you can't stop the sun from rising
Because water is not the only thing needed
In order for a seed to grow
Did it ever cross your mind that
Maybe she watered your seed
And now the sun's finally starting to show
You needed the rain to stretch your roots
And get a foundation firmly planted
So when the sun showed up
You could appreciate the growth
Versus taking the experience for granted
And just like God is in control
Mother Nature's the only one who knows what she's doing
But you're the sun that followed the rain
Which watered my seed
The reason my rose began blooming

Rain Don't Last Always,

Untitled Poem 2

You came to a major realization of self
And I was so proud
Told me you used sex to alleviate emotional pain
And there was something honorable
In your confession
But, I don't want to be your concubine
I wish you nothing short of happiness
But I cannot offer my body
As means to suppressing your feelings
You need to heal
And I come bearing disinfectant
A listening ear to purge yourself of ill feelings
That only lead to infection if withheld
Band-aids in the form of hugs
And similar scars with similar stories
Explaining how they got there
You cannot rid yourself of her
By plunging yourself into me
So I will not give you the option
And I can't act like it's not tempting...
There are no lack of morals
But I don't believe in a too soon
Only know when it feels right
And being a sinner, I obey the urge
When you nibble on my neck
As we spoon in bed, I am surely tingling
But I'm also reminding myself that you're hurt
And even a kiss would bring more confusion
To an already confusing situation
So I just lay there
Basking in your affection
Happy to be held
Wishing I could reciprocate the feeling
But knowing better than succumbing
To a temptation such as this
I know what the giving of my body symbolizes
And I will not weaken
Its already impure value
By offering it at a time when
You were vulnerable and I was wanting
However, I fully agree to befriending you
Allowing you to share your inner feelings
Until you're comfortable with the fact that
God is in control and you cannot change things
I will be leaving soon
And our only interaction will be verbal
So lets work on sharpening the tool
Versus substituting it with other modes of communication
I'd much rather hear you than feel you
And to a man, that may not mean much
But in a time where people talk
For the sole purpose of hearing themselves speak
It's rather significant that I enjoy your conversation
So speak to me, speak truth
And maybe one day
I'll be able to offer you more than a listening ear
And a shoulder to sleep on
And you'll be able to offer more than
Physical satisfaction at the expense of your thoughts

A Champion Worthy of Roses,

Friday, May 23, 2008

Untitled Poem 1

So.. I'm back in North Carolina, and I've been staying with my sister. I haven't been performing, but I have been writing. The next 4 posts will be untitled poems that haven't been posted since being written-either here (NC) or in Philadelphia.

You stole our first kiss
And ya'll already know I put my all into everything I do
But this time I just wasn't ready
Had I know butterflies would immediately make their way
To the bottom of my belly
I may have given a little more intensity
But I can't front...
The natural fear in me due to past relationships
And repeated tendencies
Has subconsciously taught me to half-step
Not too long ago I might have kissed you until my last breath
But on the way to this moment
I ran into a few who took my final breath for granted
Selfishly kept it to themselves for their own personal vices
Didn't reciprocate the feeling
And I was left lifeless
But truth be told and despite all of this
If we had another one of those moments
Where we locked eyes only to end up stealing
Simultaneous glances at each others lips
Accompanied by the courtesy bite or lick
You know...
Then this might have been a poem describing
Every crevice yours held
You'd never know without my saying
But I know your lips well
I've looked at em' enough times to know where
The color has changed due to that smoking habit
You're trying to shake
I know in the way you part them
What form the words that follow will take
And don't get me started
On the smile they help make
I've only told you how beautiful it is
Enough times to blow ya head up to full proportions
But what hurts is when those lips part
To form sentences which make it all too clear you doubt me
When they tell me early and often
That I'm either a genuine person
Or better at lying than you are
That playing you publicly is the worse thing
I could ever do
Yeah, I was listening when you said that
All 4 times
Right before you decided to tell me
I had baggage
As if you came to me clean slated
Here you are saying you'll try
To give me your heart
While telling me all the ways
In which not to break it
But hurt is universal
You do not have to define betrayal
Just because I'm not pointing out the ways
I was hurt does not mean
I intend to hurt you
Holding back my sob stories
Doesn't mean I'm secretive
It's just what experience has taught me to do
Telling someone how you were scarred in the past
Will not deter them from wounding you
It's not rocket science
I'm aware that my discomfort at you
Taking 4hrs. to respond to a text while you're at work
Is petty
But realize those silent moments
Between text with a person before you
Are what lead to my heartache
And me not wanting to relive the details
Of that moment so you feel more aware
Is the decision I have the power to make
The closest hint you will ever get to my past dealings
Is my only tattoo
It says 'She & Survival Were Long Time Friends'
So just know that surviving's what I do
I play my position, pray you have good intentions
And open up at a pace that's fitting
Yes, I am a poet
But I still have problems expressing my feelings
We rehearse this shit before we hit the stage
It's not like we're freestyling off the top of the dome
So, in the same manner :
I need some preparation before expressing myself
Or you'll have to be patient enough
To let it spill out into a poem
Cause the stage feels like a confessions booth
Meanwhile, your eyes bring so much judgement
And since I'm up here now
I might as well tell you, I'm not one to rush it
But something about this feels right
Remember 'Intruder Alert'?
Well, mines isn't going off
I respect your New York state of mind
Hell, I even pray prematurely
For the person who tries to check it
Street smarts is a must but it doesn't hurt
That yours are backed by intelligence
And I actually like that for you
It's not the loving that's hard,
It's the liking someone that's a big deal
Cause after you like em'
You fall fast and fall hard
Aint no denying that the shits real
And I guess that's why
Shorty at the gas station was the closest
You've gotten to commitment since ya ex
And you keep saying 'You're a problem,
Iono what I'ma do with you'
Knowing you're fully aware of what happens next
It's all or nothing when you're rolling with me
And if I knew where this was headed
I would've told you take heed
But you stole our first kiss
And now we're recklessly driving
With no seat belt, as you like it
At full speed...

As Ari Would Say-Peace on That,


Saturday, May 17, 2008

Here I Am

"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns"
Psalm 46 :5

I was listening to this song by T.I. called No Matter What, and the chorus basically says remember that I didn't break, I'm still standing, and no matter what-here I am. That is how I have been feeling lately... bruised but not broken, and still I rise. Then, I was looking through all the blogs I have listed under 'Sites for Sore Eyes' and Lauren had this bible verse at the top of her newest post. I felt like God brought her to church and told her to blog about the experience because He knew she wasn't the only one who needed to hear it. I have spent this week reminding myself and a close friend that God is in control. I have made a point to shake my worries because 'worry only occupies where faith should be', and the one in control will make sense of all things I find confusing. This quote was a reminder of that. I would post the T.I. song which inspired this entire post and a song by Yolanda Adams called 'The Battle is not Yours', but I'm having a problem with the url code and the baby mama's I praised 2 posts before this one are rushing me. However, I will post some of the lyrics to T.I.'s song that really got in my head: like im fine
brag with such passion and shine without trying
believe me pain's a small thing to a giant...
spoke my mind and didn't studder one time
Ali say even the greatest gotta suffer some time...
God'll take you through hell just to get you to heaven
so even though it's heavy, the load I will carry...
life can change ya directions
even when you aint planned it
all you can do is handle it
the worst thing you could do is panic
use it to your advantage, avoid insanity
manage to conquer every obstacle
make impossible possible
even when winnings illogical
losings still far from optional...
but when life throw punches, block ya counter like a boxer do

I Shall Not be Moved,


This has been flashing in my head randomly throughout the week.
It's not classy, but it's a classic. Remember?

Freak Like Me?

Better Late Than Never

First and foremost:
Happy (belated) Mothers Day!

I've been meaning to blog about this topic since the day it passed. For that matter, I've had mad ish' I've been meaning to blog about but I've been uber busy, in uber reflection, and uber lazy in regards to anything not centered around exams.. hell, I was even lazy with exams. Nonetheless, I'm back. The ladies you see above are my best friends. One bestie is missing. This was taken during my last visit home for my little sisters 4th birthday, and the missing link to this picture couldn't get a ride home from school.

Whatever the case, we refer to ourselves as "The Baby Mama's". As you can see in the picture, all 3 of them have children. I am fully aware that being a "baby mama" is normally noted for its negative connotation. However, my best friends and the god children they gave me are one of my biggest blessings. If you know me on a really personal level, then you know that I really want kids. Nonetheless, I'm in college and God didn't have that in His plans for me at this moment. With that being said, I have kids through my besties- vicariously.

Furthermore, this Mother's Day really had me thinking of everything mother related... my besties, my sister, my (maternal) grandmother, my mother that passed, and my step mother. Most importantly, dependent upon the time a person has a child, some people view it as a mistake. I've come to realize it as a major accomplishment, especially if you are a good parent. My besties all had there children either in highschool or directly after, and they are all doing wonderfully. Some might try and make them out to be statistics, but they are so above the norm. I am ridiculously proud of the persistence they maintain despite what society has told them was a backwards step towards their future.

I still trip out when I think of my older sister, who is also my best friend, as a mother. I am so selfish with her attention that I didn't even like her husband initially. Not because he was a bad person, but because he was stealing my sister from me (or so I felt). Than, my niece was created. I was completely smittened with the thought of being an aunt, but when I realized that was another "attention-stealer" added to the roster, it became an issue. However, my brother-in-law is in the air force and often out of the country. My sister is the best married, partially single mother I know, and it makes me so proud. It also makes me want to be closer to my niece.

I also have come to really appreciate my step mother. She has walked into the shoes of my mother and gladly taken the job. As with most parents, we have our times and there are certain..hell, many.. things about her that irk me at times. Nonetheless, she is my mother and blood couldn't make us any more related than we already are. I often wonder how much my mom would like her. And last, but CERTAINLY not least is my (maternal grandmother)- my motivation... every Mother's Day makes me want to give her the world. My mother would be so proud of her, if that makes any sense. I could go on for days, in the end: if you are a mother, the world turns because of you.

Forever Grateful,

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Wear Your Crown

For the record: I have a lot of things on my mind and I'm not sure where I'm taking this exactly so if you never watched an Ali fight... you can't bob and weave through the blows... you might want to sit this match out and come back around for the next one.

For starters: Ariana said to me today that as women, we like to soften things up. We take the pill and crush it up in our orange juice when sometimes we just need to take the whole thing with water. In regards to what I was going through, this is so true. I am not doing myself any favors by softening the blows. It is best that I take them at full force, let them bruise, and heal from them instead of softening the blow and letting the pain dull itself out over time until it has became so minor that I forget it's there until something rubs up against it the wrong way.

No, I am doing no favors for myself by softening your punches. I am now taking it full force. It hits me. I understand. With that being said, I admit to the resentment I harbor towards you. I want to be cordial, I want to act like we can be friends on some extremely surface level... however, the truth of the matter is that I am disappointed with you. I am hurt by your decisions. I am still being affected by them, and I am sick of being mad at myself for pretending I can be your friend-when I don't feel that you are worthy of my friendship. I felt like it would be petty to nip our relationship completely, but now I realize that would be the honest thing to do. If I claim to be anything, phony I am not- and this is definitely going against the grain.

On another note, I fully realize God is in control, and I'm grateful for that. I am not able to handle all of this, but that's because it's not my battle to be fighting- especially not alone. I catch myself walking with my head down, and as I was walking in my building- Ariana said, "Wear ya crown." So.... that's what I'm doing... walking like a lady, keeping my head up, and not budging. Everything is feeling mad iffy, and few things are certain. However, those few things I am cherishing... deeply and truly. There is something to be said for a good friend. You know who you are, I've told you before-I'll tell you again: I appreciate you.

Katrina Happens,

Monday, May 5, 2008

Everybody say 'I Philalive!'

Philalive (pronounced 'feel-alive') is over for this school year.
::insert sad face here::

It's been a hell of a run, really. If you are in Philadelphia and haven't been- you are missing out on something. It is truly an inspirational and uplifting experience. With that being said, I write down lines I hear during Philalive that I love. I've just been collecting lines with no place to put them. So, what place better than my blog to share the knowledge and pictures? Take notes:

"When I say 'You look good in your genes', I don't think you understand.
I wanna run my fingers through your DNA strands."
"Wanna be ya dimples in ya next life so I can be inside you every time you smile."
"Kiss the breath outta you and bring you back to life, just so you can know what it feels like..."
"I could catch a contact off ya breath..."

"People trying to save money, instead of themselves."
"Your lungs were made of iron. My soul is made of steel. They can never kill us."
[referring to the usage of poetry:]
"Jesus spoke in common tongue so He could reach everybody"
-Just Greg
(he has many more, I'm just slow with the hands)

"I just wanna tape your frowns so I can rewind them into smiles."
"Nobody knows you write anonymous poems about me, the type you can't post on Facebook."
"I will never be that girl. That girl whose only allowed to make you smile when she's making you orgasm. That girl- whose day job is daydreaming and waiting for her night job."
"Yeah, you may say it's over. And you may never admit that you love me, but you don't have to because if silence speaks volumes you wanna hold me in your arms, rock me in your sleep than act like you don't know me."
"I was your first, your only, the prototype and she's just a duplicate. And you can never make copies without first consulting the blueprints. You know what they say, the sequels never better than the original."
"I'm not fighting for custody, I'm fighting for respect, because I'll never be content with being your back door hoe."
"My greatest hope is to be blind like Paul on the road to Damascus, and that the only plank left in my eye will be a splinter collected from standing too close to the cross."
-Alysia Harris
(check out her poem, That Girl)

[the first two quotes refer to cops]
"You do push-ups for every cell ya brain loses. Damn, you're so tough."
"If they're not doing anything wrong, they shouldn't care if we're watching."
"Hip-hop has a hype man, why doesn't poetry have a hype man?"
"They can't take our spirit-our pride-our poems."
"Art is powerful, don't be fooled- if it wasn't, they wouldn't teach it in public schools."
"I could never talk about you behind your back because you are pitifully spineless."
"What happens to mothers who lost their daughters & know exactly where they are."

"Their ideals aint realistic so how the fuck am I supposed to feel this shit."
"This is where hip-hop raised us, and they wonder why we naught by nature."
(watch his freestyle on the video I posted)
-Sock THE Rapper!

"I can only be what the Creator has made of me."
"Even if they mute my mouth, I will act out."
"They don't have to hang nooses around our necks, because we're already doing it for them."
"We more priceless than gasoline."
-Selina (the newest addition to Columbia Records)

"If I can change the world, I must first change the chaos around me."
"Not on my watch will 3minutes of a song degrade what it took our mothers 9months to make."
"You're peculiar, not crazy."
"Its ok to quit sometimes if you can't find your heart in it. Times not on your side, so just decide and deal with it."
"Wasn't really a poet, just lyrically head strong."
"Everyone's not a poet because they sound deep."
"My whole personna is plagiarized. I'm just pieces of poetry from those idolized personified."
[referring to her mother]
"Always my lawyer, never my judge- a compass when I'm lost. You wore my burden and my cross."
-Ariana (THE Host)

Other quotes by authors I can't remember:
"Black women, you too elegant to be out there sellin' it."
"If you're going through hell it's best to keep going, because the ocean gets tough, but it never stops flowing."
"You love having your cake plus eating it too, never settling for less than more."
"I'm just a girl with few, but distinct needs." (Candice Moore)
"I just wanna lose myself in order just to find myself." (Ken-J)

Legends in the Now,
*Or as the poet Dom would say- Checkmate!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Dear Devil

Thanks for setting me up.

In a post before- I've said, "If the devil would have known how I'd be after the storm, he wouldn't have bothered me in the first place." A friend of mine had been feeling a bit defeated amongst the storm, and upon reflection she said, "I must have forgot that my final form has Diamond dimensions, and the devil forgot what happens to me under pressure." Poetic much? Good ol' Ash Cakes strikes again. I told ya'll peep her blog. Anywho, she passed a poem to me.

*pic also stolen from Ash Cakes

Third Eye Crying

Fear has taken hold of me,
Won't let my spirit fly free,
Keeping me a prisoner within me
Seeking out my insecurities,
And using them against me.
My is vision blurred,
Because my Third eye is crying,
Seeing visions of my visions dying.
Lost in the 3D animated Matrix
Unable to stay focused on my foundation
Close to accepting this unreal perception
When my Brother reminded me
That all of this is only deception that's
Trying to break the connection that
Keeps me connected to the Source of Energy
That my soul needs
That Energy that I receive when I remember how to breathe
And set my spirit free from negative energy.

Sleep on That,

Thursday, May 1, 2008


"Even though I'm older, the bullshit be still penetrating.
It aint nothing personal ya'll, I'm just ventilating."

I don't know if I'm ranting or venting, but I've had clear miscommunication with a handful of people lately. As a result, I've become very stand offish, turned off, possibly resentful, or plain and simple-completely careless. And the truth of the matter is, I really don't mind not caring about whomever and whatever the situation pertains to ... the 'City of Brotherly Love' will do that to you. However, I do wish I could surpass the miscommunication and just mute our entire conversations cause they don't seem to be intellectual or getting us anywhere, as is. It might be different if my miscommunication wasn't void of purpose and full of wasted efforts, but that simply is not the case.

And it's something different with everyone... one doesn't understand that I really could care less... another doesn't realize I care too much... one doesn't know that I love and hate them in the same capacity and I've been struggling to keep the side of lesser good at bay... another doesn't realize why I'm not as interactive as they would like... and the list goes on.

It's Amazing People Even Understand Each Other,

ps- The Goodfellas (organization at Temple Univ.) talent show was last night (since I'm posting this at 1 in the a.m and it will be posted in May). There was no miscommunication involved here. Their audience was blissfully ignorant and non-receptive, meanwhile the talent was few and far between. Lord help us all. I'm looking extremely forward to Philalive! tonight. Doesn't hurt that Dom will be stepping to the mic yet again. If you didn't plan on coming- make use of the term "change of events".