i admire vulnerability, so I thought I'd take part in the splurge

here's a note I posted on FB:

TEN things I wish I could say to ten different people (but don't say their names)

1. I'm sure I've forgiven you. And though I'm sure I could never give you another chance, I'm not sure if I ever fell out of love... just knew that I grew into a different person. It's trippy. I've been praying that you get to a place where me saying things like this doesn't make you think you have leadway to "try me". Prove me right every now and then, please?

2. It disturbs me how comfortable you are playing the role of victim. I acknowledge that you really can't catch a break. Something is always being thrown at you, but I'm waiting for you to just handle it... to rise above it all.. to become bigger than your situation.. to start telling your problems about your God instead of things happening the other way around. I'm rambling, but really-I'm prematurely proud of you. For now, it's just because you're still here despite it all, but I'm anxious for the day I can say I'm proud because you came to bat swingin.

3. Let's stop questioning our situation and just accept it. I mean, when the subject is you- karma aint so bad after all. For that matter, it's beautiful and I love it. What's to explain or question?

4. You're intriguing. And beautiful. And I'm not in the right place yet, but when I am.. I'll be plotting. That's all.

5. Thus far, you're one of the few if not the only person I've met whose made me realize areas in my life that need changing and the growing up I have to do-without making me feel like less of a person for it. It may be what attracts me to you. That and your ability to make me feel like "not a big deal". Contradictory, I know. You remind me that I'm human while reminding me not to take my presence in other peoples life for granted because it is a powerful thing. We're nowhere near where we used to be, but I wasn't playing when I said I planned on keeping you around. Blood in, blood out-you're stuck with me LOL One last thing, no matter what you say your email documents or shows proof of, I have YET to receive the poem I asked you to send me.

6. This wasn't the life I had planned for you, or us. But it's never too late. You aren't as old as you act or think you are, so grab life by the horns and show it whose boss. At times it feels like you've written yourself off or began taking yourself too seriously, but I've always been your co-conspirator, so you can count on me to grab life by the balls at the same time you start shaking its horn. Teamwork makes the dreamwork, so we're bound to make something happen. "Me and You Shall Never Part." P.S. I'm proud of the woman you've become.

7. I feel the need to reach out to you. I have never met a person with anything bad to say about you, and plenty is said about you. Beyond that-our few interactions have left me feeling enlightened, better, happier.. every good trait possible. The amount of strength and goodness you exude seems unreal. I'm sure you already knew that, though :)

8. Our "unconventional" love used to drive me crazy. Now, I just want it to be ten years later to see how it all turns out. I used to think we'd be this power couple and end up together after time did its work. Now, I don't see the beauty in that. Either way/as messy as things may seem at times, I loved you on purpose. Regardless of what place our love came from, I meant it. Every moment. Every poem. All of it was from a pure place. Love is love, no matter our current connection or seemingly lack there of. Don't forget that during the times where our ESP fades off.

9. Similar to the situation that surrounded ours, your present decisions make it so hard to believe in what once was. A big lesson I'm learning though is to not question past situations based on the present, because the past doesn't really hold that much weight when dealing with the now. Things were what what they were, in that moment. So, it's natural for them to become something else. And in our moment, I was crazy about you. I think you doubted that, but know that you did it for me. Despite my protest and the nay-sayers, you were it. I guess the key word is "were". I pray for you and hope you're being good to yourself.

10. You are the bomb. Period. LOL Seriously though, we seldom express our appreciation for each other but know that everything about you is something I admire. I already told you I'd be pleased if my children came out even a little bit like you so you're definitely going to be a Godmom if I have anything to do with it. Stay around. Forever. You keep me grounded. Not to mention, IDK how many people who have "punch a dude in the head" reflexes like yours, thats priceless :)

NINE things about myself

1. I get headaches often. Bah humbug.

2. Something I'm proud of and despise in the same breath: I care too much.

3. My fav. food is porkchops, anyone who loves me can tell you that easily.

4. You'll get no response from me at all before I create a flat out lie. IDK if that's a good or bad thing, but it is.

5. I create a love story for every person I take interest in. They probably don't manifest, but it doesn't stop me from being a dreamer.

6. I tend to feel like an outsider or visitor, regardless of how "at home" my personality is-if that makes any sense.

7. I love meeting people who are more music/hip hop savvy then I am. IDK why I take them more seriously or give them a certain ounce of credibility that I don't give others.

8. I love the honesty in my poetry, but I actually wish it was more metaphoric or had hidden meanings.

9. "I am what I am, and that's all that I am."


EIGHT ways to win my heart

1. Inspire me/Expose me to new things.

2. Show interest in helping me overcome my shortcomings or just be patient when dealing with them.

3. Tell me when I'm wrong or need to shut up. I know I'm head strong. (hence, #2)

4. Love to eat [everything], without healthy food facts or counting calories.

5. Though there's 8 of them, know which sibling I'm referring to when I say their name without further explanation. Hell, just know all of their names. Same goes for my Godchildren and Baby Mama's.

6. Hold me a little too long when you hug me.

7. Rub my head.

8. Read to me.


SEVEN things that cross my mind a lot (no order)

1. Headaches.

2. Love.

3. Poetry.

4. Food.

5. Money.

6. The future.

7. What I'm gonna do with my hair.

SIX random things I wanted to mention

1. Me having natural hair wasn't some deep life decision, but me keeping it natural is.

2. I always wanted to be one of those people so tainted by love that they didn't let people in or love again. I've failed miserably. And I'm learning to be ok with that.

3. Philly and the people [emphasize:poets] in it have influenced my life in crazy ways. Each and every one of you is amazing in your own right. Keep shining.

4. I know I should drink milk, but I don't want to.

5. My father's negative energy, like everyone elses, is contagious but it gets under my skin like no one else's. He's still Superman to me though.

6. I don't eat like I used to or should. Blah.

FIVE people who mean so much to me (in no particular order)

1. My Grandma. (anyone whose anyone knew she was first)

2. Any author who wrote a book that changed my way of thinking.

3. Any person who inspired me to write or was inspired to write by me.

4. Insert the person you just knew I was going to say here: _______

5. You. Really.

FOUR things Im wearing right now

1. My fro, bye bye straight hair.

2. The scent of "oven run" chicken wings, Thanks Dad :)

3. Navy blue toenail polish

4. A cotton night gown with colorful critters on it

THREE songs that I listen to often (at the moment)

1. Drake- The Winner

2. A Home-B. Yung (IDK why the song is mentioned first here, but didn't feel like fixin it)

3. Anthony Hamilton- I Did it For Sho

TWO things I want to [insert:will] do before I die

1. Publish a novel.

2. Sponsor my grandma's trip to Egypt.

ONE : CONFESSION

1. I'm an onion. You have to peel me in layers. Cliche, but true.

--- [end note]

I know I haven't posted anything of substance in a while, but I've been home. Lazy. And not inspired enough to do so, til this note and the Jay-Z video put a lil' fire underneath me. Bare with me?

On Top & I Mean Business
(part of a song stuck in my head),
B