Saturday, April 4, 2009

Overwhelmed, Much?

Can I kick it?
I mean, it' my blog, right?

So... twice this week, and for no (apparent) reason, I found myself crying. One episode occurred after meeting with Babel. It was the day I wrote the poem about when God made it hail outside. Who knows what caused it? The second episode occurred during class. Yes. Embarrassing. I know.

I was sitting in my Creative Spirit class. We were sitting in a half circle and presenting our 1min. performances (or what we had of them) to the class. My turn was soon approaching, and to be honest-I hadn't put much thought into what I would do for my final performance. The only thing I knew for sure is that I'd be performing a poem. So, I was thinking I'd do this "I Poet" piece, and just spit what I had of it for now. I mean, this was only practice. Then I thought about reciting the poem of apologies to myself, because the point of this performance is to open up and give people a chance to know you... then, I thought about performing one of the letters I wrote to my (deceased) mother.

So, during this thought process and while people are performing, I'm getting all choked up. And I could blame the letter to my mom, because I usually don't get through it BUT I can read the first half with no problems. Well, I used to be able to up until this day. I really don't think this letter had anything to do with it. In short, I stand in front of the class... start rambling about other things I consider doing, feel myself about to cry, begin the poem, and start crying. I try and pull it together, but it doesn't work. I apologize and sit down. At this time, I'm crying full out. And I mean, I have mixed emotions. I know the little piece of poem I got out spoke to a few in the class, because a girl came up to me telling me that she takes her parents for granted and think others should hear it. Another girl also has a deceased mother, and she wanted to know if writing letters really helped.

When heading to my seat, my teacher says, "Thanks for being brave." I get titled as 'brave', often. The funny thing is that I don't feel brave. I forgot to mention, that I've been having dreams that someone is trying to kill me. Sometimes it's a reoccurring dream, sometimes the killer is different, but I'm always running. A friend of mine told me that if I'm running from death in all my dreams (and I wake up right before I'm about to die) it means that I'm actually running from something in real life and it will be major once I confront it... hence, the reason I wake up. In some aspects, this makes sense, but (much like the dream)-I'm not ready to decipher what (or how many things) I'm running from... so, I'll let my subconscious work that one out.

Lastly- juggling two jobs, school work, and extracurriculars that I actually enjoy being a part of has proven to be a bit much. Not to mention, I'm hunting for a summer internship, and the location seems to be a major problem right now. I don't know where the hell I'm going to be.

Wait, one more "lastly"-I think I'm giving up on a friend here. And, if you pay attention to my blog or know me well, my heart hangs off my sleeve. Womp. Whatever the case, I'm sad that I feel the need to let them go. I love them to death, like-really. However, I feel like we've been pretending for sometime now that things are better than they are or trying to avoid it, and I'm over it. It's not the same. Yes, a poem will come from this. Actually, the poem will be my goodbye. I have that much figured out.

Go Tar Heels,


  1. I can relate to this post on so many levels. First: I lost my daddy at a young age...still chokes me up when I think about him. One of my cousins showed me a pic of him in his young days partying and I just lost many feelings flooded me at the whole crying in class thing...can def relate, I wouldn't be surprised if I did if I ever performed a piece on my dad. Second: It's funny how we never few ourselves the way others view us. Cus personally, I have so much respect and admiration for you because ur such a go getter and to me...yes, you are BRAVE. Third: I've been having CRAZY dreams too for the past couple of months. Dreams that I have awoken from with extremely vivid memories of what happened in them. I've had dreams of being killed, dying, and most of them involving water. My aunt, who's also a big dream enterpreter told me it's because my subconcious is trying to get me to confront the things I'm surpressing...all the emotions and burdens of my life. So, with the dreams...I feel ya. Can't relate to being too busy...wish I could, lol, have no job, no school stuff at the moment so I'm just a free woman lol.

    Much love

  2. dang...i just reread my post and I have so manuy misspelled words! lol ugh, that's one of my pet peeves