Monday, September 28, 2009

It's been a minute since I seen ya

I fell off of the scene.
Since it seemed like you wanted other things than the king.

Yo, wanna know something I realized?

I haven't kicked it with ya'll in a minute. Like- "real life, no holding back, yeah-I'm bitter, and?" kicked it with ya'll. We have to change that. Like, now.

And it's a perfect time to do it seeing that I saw my first love while I was home last weekend. Did he have me bugging? Not in a good way. Was I happy to be home? Like you wouldn't believe. Saw my siblings, one of my God kids, the parentals, my puppies, and the list goes on. Hell, I guess I should mention my grandparents since the main reason for going home was to celebrate my grandpa's birthday and retirement party.

In short, that whole event was real classy. We had a surprise cook out for my grandpa out at my mom's daycare and an all white party later that night. He was completely baffled every time he showed up somewhere (which is a surprise in itself cause we have some talkers' in my family that could have potentially ruined the whole thing). He was so touched.. crying and all. My dad went all out, ice sculptures and then some.

Anywho, back on topic-I saw my ex. (this seems so out of order now lol)

Normally, there's a bit more distance between us, but he's "supposedly" not with his girl anymore (which would be the girl he was cheating on me with) so he felt like he could press up. Crazy, right? Tell me about it. Not to get 100% ignorant, but Pastor Troy said it best:
"&%-# is trippin', my shoes is tied up."

Following that, I got back to Philly and my energy was off. All the things he said, that I brushed off while in his presence were playing on repeat in my head. Now, I started this blog when I came to college, which was parallel to the time I had gotten him out of my system (as best I could). So, I don't know what you may know, but to put it plainly: Our relationship didn't end on a good note, and I associate him with a very bad time in my life.

And though seeing him isn't an issue, him mentioning the rekindling of old flames definitely is. He had it set in his head that there was a chance for him, he was going to try to and get back with me, or (at the very least) initiate basic contact between the two of us.

You should know that when his parents hit me up about rough patches in his life (mainly deaths in the family) I make a point to check on him... even if it's a simple, "I heard about your ____ dying, just making sure you're alright. I'm here if you need me." Mainly because love is love, and though I'm no longer in love with him-I still love him to death.

Not to mention, I don't wish any harm or negativity in his life. And I can handle/maintain those kind of conversations. However, anything beyond that is not something I'm interested in. At first, it was because me speaking with him on any level made him think that there was still chance for us as far as a relationship goes. Now, the reasons are different.

More than anything, speaking with him casually reminds me of what used to be. And my "used to be" memories aren't the good ones from the earlier part of our relationship.

So, I can do without it. He reached out to me when I had got back to school, and I politely but firmly let him know that I wasn't interested in casual conversation and would prefer that he didn't hit me up as late as he did unless something was wrong. He never responded, and I haven't heard from him since. I guess he got the memo.

Crazy thing is, I felt the need to justify my decision to myself. Like, all these reasons were running rampant in my head. My best friend said I was really just trying to remind myself why I can't entertain him, and though that statement may hold some validity-a lot of it is me wondering who he thinks he is.

Like, really? Two and a half years later, after your relationship with your former mistress is supposedly over, and now you expect me to welcome you with open arms? On some Beyonce stuff, "You must not know bout' me." And if he had approached me on a more casual level, maybe I could have entertained it. But he was cracking jokes about relationships, bending down on one knee, and all this other stuff that made it clear that it wasn't what it should've been.

Furthermore, I've forgiven him for what he did in our relationship that hurt me. Granted (and clearly), I haven't forgotten. I don't mention it. There's no reason for me to, and it wouldn't be worth my breath or his time. But allowing him back in would allow him to think that the way he hurt me wasn't real or wasn't real enough for me to know better than to keep trying. And I can't have that. I just can't fade it.

In other words-I'm off that. And I'm sure that has a lot to do with his attraction. My best friend always says I'm such a different "Brandi" then the one that went away to school my freshman year. But I'm grateful for that thing, if not now more than ever. I'm sure he sees the change, and wants to make his mark. However, it's just a little too late.

And as I said, initially my energy was thrown off. But I'm back now, and better than ever.

And proud.

It feels so good to know that I've really gotten past the point in my life where I'm weak for him... and to know he sees a good thing in me. Cause ladies, for those reading, let's be real: we always want to know that we'll be missed, that they'll look back and see they messed up, or be the least bit regretful. Well... It's been a long time coming, but I finally have that reassurance, and in a way, it let's me know my decision to love him wasn't completely in vain.

Whether his realizations manifested sooner or later, at least they manifested.

Trying to See the Good in Every Situation,


  1. "I'm off that" haha love it. nice post

  2. "**** is trippin' my shoes is tied up." haha. loves it!