Sunday, January 11, 2009

18 feet deep.

So, the lady pictured above tagged me in a Facebook note, and I decided to share my Facebook response with you guys.

Here's the gist of things: I'm supposed to write 18 things about myself. And I get the impression that this probably started off as something cute where people discussed their favorite colors and things of the sort, than a poet got their hands on it... as a result, Alysia tagged me (who was tagged by Josh) and after reading both of their notes- I feel the need to give ya'll 18 randoms that aren't surface material-if that makes sense.

Here we go.

1. Before I could pull this note up to start typing, I was about to cry... I admire people who aren't afraid to be vulnerable or who are afraid but allow it anyway because it doesn't make me feel like such a punk, and that's what Lys/Josh's note did for me.

2. My worse fear is that God will not bless my womb, and that He will punish me for all my bad deeds by making me infertile because he knows how badly I want to be a (good) mother.

3. My worse fear (yes, I have 2 fears of equal weight so there isn't a first and 2nd) is that I will not remember my mother when I (finally) get to see her again in heaven (if God deems me worthy). I know God doesn't leave room for worry in heaven, but I want to remember her, I want to remember losing her and missing her so when I finally do see her-I can appreciate the moment tenfold and just thank her for making a fighter out of me in her absence (and apologize to her for all the things I put myself through while using her absence as the excuse). I just want to be "mommy and daughter". Karla and Beetlebug/Pecan-tan/Skinny-mini.

4. I want to write a novel before I graduate. I realize that may not be reasonable, but hey-I'm a dreamer. I was talking with my older sister about doing something with her, and I was always speak with Ashley about writing something with her as well BUT I want to publish an impressive piece of literature/art work that's all my own.

5. I wish that I could write in extensive metaphors like most of the poets I admire. Though I'm told my poems are refreshingly honest, and I believe this to be true yet secretly despise the fact. I want to not be so plain and simple.. I want people to work to figure out what I'm talking about or have different interpretations of what they heard.

6. I've always wanted to be the shy, quiet type. Need I say more? That clearly hasn't worked out.

7. I want to write a poem for my Grandma letting her know how much she means to me, but the words always turn into another poem or just aren't good enough. It'd be a mix of 2Pacs-Dear Mama, Kanye's-Hey Mama, Jay-Z's-I Made It... not to mention, the end of Lupe's-Hip Hop Saved my Life hits it over the head. "When I get on I'm gonna take my Grandma to the Galleria and buy her everything but the mannequins". Yadig :)

8. I claim 09' as my year for change, and it has nothing to do with Obama's campaign slogan. While watching 7pounds, it really hit me when one of the characters said something about being able to change things you don't like about yourself instantaneously. There doesn't need to be some special occurrence. Just change. The time for me is now. And I've already ran across people who don't believe in what I'm doing-they have been left behind. You know what I say, "I don't need your negative energy."

9. I actually like my afro (or bush, as Dom would say). I know I always say it's a mess, and some people always tell me "it's time to do something with it", but I am doing something with it-I'm letting it be. And the bigger it gets, the more I embrace it.

10. I still believe in fairytales. The person I marry will be my knight in shining armor. I'll be their princess. We'll save each other from burning bridges and dragons... and live happiliy ever after. I don't expect it to be smooth sailing, even fairytales have conflicts. But it will be magical, and it will be everlasting. Why? Because people get over people breaking promises but I surely won't stand before God and break a promise to Him. When it comes to marriage, all the chips are in-no turning back. Sorry future husband, you're really stuck with me-no need for prenups.

11. I walk around like I'm this strong women with the grace of a goddess, but there are times when I don't believe it myself. However, Ali said "I started saying I was the greatest before I believed I was, and pretty soon-other people were believing it too." So maybe that's the first step.

12. Secretly, I like meaningless tattoos. Though I badger my best friends when I think their tattoos are dumb or shake my head at people with random dripping cherries or paw prints on their bodies- there's something bold about getting something on your permanently that might not mean a thing to you later. It's like you said "Fuck it all." in a major way, even if you didn't know that's what you were doing at the time.

13. My best friends are not my competition. They are my equals, and I feel like they forget that sometimes and try to work against me. I always brush it off, but it disturbs me deeply... and I want so much more for them.

14. I want everyone in my life to be successful by their own admission, so I can look back years later and say "I knew it all along", because I see so much potential in every person I call a friend.

15. Everytime there's an altar call at church or a chance to renew your relationship with God (which is every Sunday), I feel the need to go up. I don't go up everytime, because I tell myself "Self-you're being ridiculous," but I'd hate to drop dead in my chair at that very moment and spend eternity in the "smoking section", because I didn't want to "the girl who goes to the altar every week".

16. I wish I was a morning person or that I liked coffee so I could drink myself into a morning person.

17. I'm taking a vow of abstinence. It is hard enough being controlled by my emotions. Adding physicalities to the barrel is just overwhelming. I owe it to myself, I actually prefer being intellectually freaked, and it would please God (this is part of my change for 09 that I've already gotten negative feedback on.. more like, cursed out about- ask me if I cared? Better yet, I'll just tell you-I didn't).

18. Porkchops. Duh. lol

Vulnerability is Something Else,


  1. thanks for sharing that...
    And i really think u can write a novel before graduation, just make sure when u do u, u send a copy my way

  2. wow, one of the realest things i've read ever!

    2 and 3 made me cry because they are exactly my fears. the thought of any of that coming true terrify me.

    10 and 11 and 15 are also so true for me, esp 15.