Friday, January 2, 2009

Something Different, Resolutions No More

The first thing I should say is Happy New Years! Now that that's out the way- I'm working on my first poem for 09'. The picture above isn't an exact depiction of where it's headed, but in short-I'm writing an apology to myself. I was leaving 2008 thinking that my New Year's Resolution(s) [plural, because there's a lot that needs fixing] would be to have better time management and be more punctual. Heck, just to be punctual- cause I'm not punctual in the least.

Then I was on the phone with a fellow poet (*shouties to Mayte) discussing our writers block which somehow lead to me mentioning that the photo album I put up on Facebook around this time last year was called "Let's Make Promises We Can't Keep & Call Them New Year's Resolutions".

In saying that, I was inspired to start my poem by noting the promises I have made to myself and didn't follow through on. Anywho, I just want to get out my thoughts, so I'm using this post as a "rough draft" for what things I need to apologize about. Oh yeah, what inspired this idea in itself was in part of Mayda del Valle's To All the Boys I've Loved Before poem, she says, "... I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and take the hand of the little girl I used to be and say I'm sorry to her. I'm sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved."

Here's the poem:

Now for the things I'm sorry for:

Self- I'm sorry for being so frickin' talkative, but not being able to speak up when you were 12 and say, "This wasn't what I had in mind. I'm not ready for this." I'm sorry for being so trusting, when experience has taught me otherwise. I'm sorry for still holding onto the fairytales, fantasies, and being so optimistic about other people's character. I'm sorry for not being a quick learner in the game of life but so good with text books. I'm sorry for settling for "good enough" in the academic arena when I know I could do even better.

I'm sorry for being so sensitive, even though this isn't always a negative-I'm sorry for the tears you've cried. I'm sorry for confusing love with infatuation, and binding you to people who weren't worthy. I'm sorry for not realizing my worth and acting accordingly. I'm sorry for not chasing my dreams full speed. I'm sorry for every time I made a promise to you and broke it. I'm sorry for not demonstrating self-control.

I'm sorry for Imani and Malachi. I'm sorry for the lies I told so often that I started believing them myself. I'm sorry for being clingy, when I am already my best companion. I'm sorry for not taking heed to all the warning signs when entering into a relationship, ignoring when things go wrong, and pressing on so I could say "I did all I could." I'm sorry for not following my intuition, everytime (it was ALWAYS right). I'm sorry for having poor time management.

I'm sorry that I'm not the least bit punctual. I'm sorry for everytime I forget something about Mommy and feel guilty. I'm sorry for the relationships with some as my siblings that aren't as strong as they should be. I'm sorry for not praying like I should. I'm sorry for not trusting in God to the extent where I'm no longer worried because I know He will handle all things. I'm sorry for feeling like I lack the ability to trust God that much.

I'm sorry for taking my love as something casual. I'm sorry for mistaking acquaintances or wolve's in sheeps clothing as friends. I'm sorry that you open up to people so easily because they often use your testimony against you. I'm sorry that I don't take care of your body like I should, eat like I should, exercise like I should- as if my body isn't a sacred temple. I'm sorry for acting like God does not have a purpose for me and that I am not one of his broken vessels.

I'm sorry for not writing every chance I get the urge to. I'm sorry for always wanting more than what I have, seldom being content. I'm sorry for managing my money so poorly- not that I've ever experienced a day where I had to go without, because God has blessed me abundantly, but I should be prepared for stormy weather. I'm sorry for taking pride in attending Bible Study, as if I shouldn't have regular attendance just because it would please God and benefit me to know His word.

I'm sorry for allowing a man to make me feel whole. Moreso, I'm sorry for allowing a man to make me feel less than and break my spirit. I'm sorry for everytime I thought dying would be easier than living, revealing the heart of a coward. I'm sorry for not living up to my greatest potential. I'm sorry for the lack of happy poems I've written, as if my life is that melancholy. I'm sorry for being so sorry.

Wow. I Think I Just Wrote the Actual Poem-
Now I Just Have to Do Some Revamping,

1 comment:

  1. Welp, one of ur biggest supporters definitely supports this one my love.

    I'm glad you said sorry for being sorry. New year, fresh beginnings. Do something that those in your past haven't. Mean ur apology. By meaning the apology I mean, saying sorry doesn't fix or make things better like when a little kid says sorry after breaking something. Putting it back together, doing things differently and making ernest attempts at change are the best apologies in my opinion.

    With that being said, be patient with your self as you make good on those apologies.

    Love ya n Happy New Year 'Nita!