First Poem for 09'-The Final Copy

(excuse the paragraph format it's written in)

I was gonna make New Year’s Resolutions that were actually reasonable,
but my conscious was sick of broken promises
and there’s no lie worse than the one you tell yourself.
As much as I want to change,
my soul is what needs mending.
And as with all relationships,
bad deeds must be forgiven before we can actually take part in healing.

So before I bothered bombarding myself with resolutions,
I decided I’d try something different.
This year,
I offer my deepest apologies-
before making any promises;
I just want to tell myself that I’m sorry.

Self- I apologize for being so frickin' talkative, but not being able to speak up when you were 12 and say, "This wasn't what I had in mind. I'm not ready." For being so trusting, when experience has taught me otherwise, I'm sorry… for still holding onto the fairytales and fantasies- being so optimistic about other people's intentions… because I haven’t been a quick learner in the game of life but I’m well read in text books… settling for "good enough" in the academic arena when I know I could’ve always done better.

Self- I'm sorry…because I’m so sensitive and even though that wasn't always a negative-many tears have fallen because of it... for confusing love with infatuation, and binding you to people who weren't worthy… not realizing my worth and acting accordingly… because I don’t go after my dreams at full speed… for every time I made a promise to you and broke it… whenever I fail at demonstrating self-control.

Self- I'm sorry… for Imani and Malachi and all the lies I told so often that I started believing them myself… my tendency of being clingy, when I am already my best companion… for not taking heed to all the warning signs when entering into a relationship, ignoring when things go wrong, and pressing on just to say I did all I could… never following my intuition although it was ALWAYS right… for having poor time management and not being the least bit punctual.

Self- I'm sorry. For every time I forget something about Mommy and feel guilty… the relationships with some as my siblings that aren't as strong as they should be… for not praying like I should and never trusting in God to the extent where I'm no longer worried because I know He will handle all things… for feeling like I lack the ability to trust Him that much.

Self- I'm sorry. For treating my love and body as if they were items that could be handled casually… mistaking acquaintances or wolves’ in sheep’s clothing as friends and opening up too easily knowing others tend to use my testimony against me… because I don't take care of my body like I should, eat like I should, exercise like I should- as if my body isn't a sacred temple… acting like God does not have a purpose for me and that I am not one of His broken vessels.

Self- I'm sorry. For not writing every chance I get the urge to… always wanting more than what I have, seldom being content… for managing my money so poorly- not that I've ever experienced a day where I had to go without, because God has blessed me abundantly, but I should be prepared for stormy weather… for taking pride in attending Bible Study, as if I shouldn't have regular attendance just because it would please God and benefit me to know His word.

Self- I'm sorry. Because there were times I allowed a man to make me feel whole. Even worse, there were times when I allowed a man to make me feel less than and break my spirit… for every time I thought dying would be easier than living, revealing the heart of a coward and not living up to my greatest potential… for the lack of happy poems I've written, as if my life is that melancholy.

Self- I'm sorry for being so sorry.

And I can’t promise you this drastic change overnight.
But you’ve been around me my whole life,
and you know my true intent is to do what’s right-
so stick with me.

Progress is a slow process,
but I’m a part of it.
And I wouldn’t bring any of this up if I didn’t plan on putting my heart in it.

Though at times I was sorry, I’ve never been a slouch-
what I am is a survivor of circumstance…
might have stumbled more than a time or two
but my face has never hit the ground
and my head is not bowed-
another year has come and I have not met defeat.

So I’ll keep fighting.
And though I may not get it right the first time,
no doubt about it-I’ll keep trying-
until the next time I decide to have a conversation with myself
it won’t be to apologize
but to give thanks.

That Felt So Good,
B

(I've decided to change the "closing color"... as if ya'll noticed)