Monday, June 15, 2009

The Realest ____ I Ever Wrote (Poem)

I have a new poem that I haven't posted or gave a title to yet. I sing the part that's italicized before going into the poem:

I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
You said you would be here when it rains
I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
Now the situations made things change
Why didn't you stay?

I was that girl turned suicidal
After experiencing her first love
To title me a train wreck
Would have been an understatement
See, I was more emotionally exhausted
then I had been when my mother passed
But the circumstances were different
With her, I lost a mother
With him, I lost a child

God's crazy scheme somehow concocted a baby within my belly
To legitimize the fact that we had premarital sex
But if anyone were to ask
I know no shame for the fact that we made love

We made love
As if the cops would come knocking
And stopping
Stopping was only an option
If they broke the bedroom door down
And somehow managed to separate our limbs
I'm sure we appeared to be one unit
With double the amount of parts

See, Eve was constructed from Adam's rib
But I gave this man my heart
And though ribs can bruise, break, and heal
You cannot function without your organs
So, It's needless to say that when he left me
I felt lifeless
For the second time that year

The first time occurred when my womb became my coffin
And my fathers not so encouraging words
Led to me opting out of motherhood
I'm told
I'm not the teenage mother type

But my first God child came to form when I was only 16
And I'd cradle her until my arms went numb
Then place her against my chest
Because I lacked the capacity to put her down
I have always been searching for something to hold onto

Cause lost love often breeds insecurity
I mean, when my all aint good enough
Then what's my worth
When I've put my faith to rest in it
Am more than willing to fight for it
But still get treated like it's something I don't deserve
I get to second guessing

And my relationship timeline is fuzzy
I don't remember the girl I was before my first love
But the feeling sits on my chest
Like a pointless paper weight
Trying to suppress the fact that him and anyone after
All resemble a pattern that looks a lot like failure

I'm not one for pointing fingers
But I'm also not ready to turn the hand back on myself
I clench fist and pray

Dear God,
Help to realize this is bigger than unrequited love
Grant me mercy for the angels I've sent back to you
Should you be moved to bless my womb again
Do not let the count on it taint my unborns experience
Allow them to be more than a product of their environment
With no regard to the number of unholy men I've allowed to enter inside my temple

And I promise
I promise to remove the burden that I've placed alongside your blessing
To carry patiently
And celebrate each day as if it were Christmas
Knowing that 9months is the amount of time it takes
To unwrap the gift of life

I will not falter in my decision due to an Earthly father
For if he chooses to run at the first sign of responsibility
I know the one who sits Most High doesn't take part in anything He can't see through
So if He sees fit to mold me into a different type of vessel
Or shift some things around
Let's move

Take me to a place only real mothers know
Where unconditional love is more sustaining than breast milk
And the weight of the world seems minuscule
When compared to the smile on my child's face
Allow me to do Your work
So, I can hold my head high and finally say
It is TRULY better to have loved and lost
Then to never have loved at all

Moving Up,


  1. I am truly amazed that you could share such a personal and powerful piece. My goodness, was it phenomenal.

    I had so many favorite quotes. But this little box won't allow me to copy and paste what I want. Just know I loved it in its entirety.

    And you will no doubt be a wonderful mother when the fruit is ripe. While reading, I was thinking of the title "God's Sun." I don't know why. Maybe Nas was in the background. lol, no matter what you decide to call it, this ____ was damn real.

    -Chucked Deuce-

  2. p.s. I must hear it performed!!

  3. beautiful. realest always happens to be the best. I heard ur sniffles and felt your hope. I got another blog (subsequently entitled THE REALEST ISH I EVER WROTE) too much to share with anyone. trust. I know what it took to write that and I commend your bravery.