To All the Boys I've Ever Loved Before

I can't lie to myself, I know it's over. I knew that you would break my heart, see boy I told ya. (Tynisha Keli)

That's a line from a song that always seems to be the 'perfect ending' to the majority of my relationships. Ever heard the quote, I just want one guy to prove to me they aren't all the same? Like many females, I'm still a hopeless romantic waiting on some "prince" to rescue me... I still believe in fairy tales. Nonetheless, my alternate reality has been steadily working towards breaking my faith in them. Rather than being secure, listening to Everytime I Close My Eyes by Babyface, and thinking of that special someone who makes me believe every word he sang- I'm listening to Players Prayer by Lloyd, wishing the ones who messed up would see our relationship as something worth holding onto and truly want to reconcile our differences... waiting for them to call, just so I can test my strength as to whether or not I'll take them back "one last time". Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that in a relationship, I will have to go through it with somebody. However, I also believe that "going through it" shouldn't have to be such a painful experience- just a test of your commitment.

I have a habit of putting my all into every situation, and although I already know it to be fact- I could never fully get with loving somebody whole heartedly and not getting that shit back...
-Scorpio Blues

So as a result, I'm often in it a little too deep, just over my head, and fighting to stay above surface. And of course, this is the time where my 20/20 hind sight starts to kick in. I look back on past mistakes and realize the lesson must have got lost through the airways of all the songs I was listening to, because here I am making those same mistakes I vowed against and wrote New Year's Resolutions for in the beginning of '07. Maybe the lesson was so worth learning that I, like fashion trends, allowed history to repeat itself. Whatever the case, it stops here.

(parts of) Wife, Woman, Friend by Dana Gilmore:

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my beginning was his end-
Afterall, we were just friends,
Although in my world I was his girl,
So I would pretend to be his wife
Saying shit like,
"It's only so many years in a womans life"...

And though he didn't choose me,
But that doesn't make him right nor wrong.
And just because he was the epitome of my life
Doesn't make me wrong nor right-
Like I said,I was his friend, not his wife.
And I should have acted within that capacity,
And maybe than this breakup would have been
Just "one of those things"- instead of a fuckin tragedy.
And all that time I spent mad at him,
Hell- I should have been mad at me...

Had I knew than what I know now:
I probably would have listened when he said
'It was some shit he had to get up out his system' .
But see, I was too busy bitching-jumping bad like I was goin' hit him,
Cause in the back of my mind-
All I could fathom was how much I was goin' miss him.
But just because I'm crying ya'll don't mean that I'm the victim,
Just means I was scared to let him go cause some other chick might get him.
And that was my fault cause it was my decision,
I should have never put my heart in my minds position.
But I couldn't shake him, he was like a bad habit-
And all of this for a nigga that was just average.
Doing average nigga shit-
Like talking out the side of his neck and thinking with his dick.
But I must admit, he was the one I wanted to commit,
So either I wasn't living up to my potential,
Or I was just an average chick.
But I choose to believe I was a woman-
Caught up in a feeling both physical and emotional,
Who was way too willing to give her all to a man.
And though it may sound stupid, guess what?
I'd do it all again-
Just next time for my husband,
And not that nigga I call my friend.

So... taking my cue from different lyrics, ones of wisdom and truth-not just radio appeal. Let's try this again.

To All the Boys I've Loved Before

My Man

And finally... once I get those two "lyrics" embedded in my brain and can really call them lessons learned and consider these things values that I take to the heart, maybe this will be my testimony. (& when you start to miss me, remember it was you who let me go)

Wife, Woman, Friend pt. 2


In the mean time, I'll end with a quote from your favorite rappers favorite rapper:
If through our travels we get seperated, never forget- in order to survive, gotta learn to live with regrets. (Jay-z)

Contentment is Key,
B