Rules for 08'

1. Take too many pictures. There's nothing wrong with being a camera whore. Every moment that passes is one I can't relive, but I can always capture them.
*yellow is the nail color for this week

2. Don't hold onto any thing or person that hinders my growth. I can do bad by myself... no more bringing myself down to build others up.

3. No grudges held. People will do what they want and it is what it is. Take it with a grain of salt, chalk it up as a lesson learned, and keep moving.

4. Set my own goals/standards and accomplish them.

5. If I'm not with the ones I love, I'll love the ones I am with. The company kept will not always be of my preference, but they're there nonetheless. I will appreciate them and what they bring to the table.

6. Remember that love is love, and though there are books and quizzes directing people towards the "right one"- we are not all the same, therefore we don't love the same, and I can't hold expectations according to my interpretation of love. Accept it for what it is and acknowledge it as such.

7. Getting by has never been, but is definitely no longer acceptable. I want to be able to say, at all times, that I did my best. There should never be a situation where I 'could have done better or tried harder'.

8. Continue to find satisfaction in my undivided attention and personal time. It keeps me sane.

9. Take time to laugh, even if no one else does :)

10. Make Mommy proud, but live for me.

11. Give God premature praise. I will thank him, even when I'm unsure of what is to come.
*none of these are set in stone, hopefully I'll add on as time progresses

Contentment is Key,
B

I Am Worth A Lot

I didn't write this, but it's still a good read (for females or males who wonder what a woman of virtue looks for in a man). Food for thought- don't let it go to waste:

I AM WORTH A LOT

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... "As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. "I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. "He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You are asking a lot.

She replied, "I'm worth a lot. "

Contentment is Key,
B

PSA

First semester of 08 and I've discovered that I'm officially a "doodler" with a thing for neon colored nail-polish. It's not ghetto. It's self expression && I like it.
K, thanks.

Contentment is Key,
B

Back in Session

School's back in session. You should know what that means. More of my personal experiences rather than life lessons. It's all good though. Whatever the case- I'm back on campus... back to doing my "me" thing. You know, the mature, responsible, adult "gig"- only to be reminded that I'm still new to this job. I will only offer two examples demonstrating how much of a novice I am at this "being a grown up" thing.

Example 1: School started today (on a Tuesday). I woke up (running late, might I add: the blog I did about waking up and staying up... let's just say those words were disregarded), threw on some clothes, and barely made it to class on time. I had planned to wake up an hour and 40min. before the actual class time to fit in breakfast. That didn't happen. Then, being in such a rush, I sit down in the class and realize I'm in the wrong place. HOWEVER, I was was almost positive that it was the correct room and the correct time. Yet, I still sat in class the entire period, signed the roster, and actively participated. Can anyone say foolish pride? I already bursted my way through the door late and disruptive, I didn't want to randomly leave. So I sat there. Upon looking over my schedule and running late for (what I thought) was my next class, I realized I was following the schedule for Monday instead of Tuesday. Aren't I a genius? Prior to this realization, I had even emailed the teachers from the classes I was supposed to be in, told them I believed I was at the right class but clearly wasn't, and wanted to be informed if there was a room change. Of course, all the teachers emailed me back saying that I was at the right class, but at the wrong time. My only request was that this circumstance be no reflection to them of my intelligence. Classic.

Example 2: The person who invented the bed skirt had no life. I was trying to put on a new bed set and went back and forth with the frickin' bed skirt for 15minutes too long before figuring out that I was supposed to put it under the mattress. My mom would have been much appreciated at this time. I never knew she went through so much to make our beds. The pictures below are are just proof of the foolishness. Observe my slow and painful progress- progress none the less.

Finally moving the mattress.

Bed skirt and mattress down.

Putting on the bed sheets.

VOILA!

Contentment is Key,

B

Rev. Dr. MLK Jr.

Happy Doctor Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

As someone who views themself as a strong supporter of black leaders, I felt that it was only right to make note of the day and its importance. Furthermore, MLK Jr. was a reverend and a doctor, I think those two things should never go unnoticed. Not to sound too pro-black or militant, but to disregard that is just another way "people" undermine his credibility and significance.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." -Dr. Rev. MLK Jr.

Contentment is Key,
B

Fear or Respect

Prior to my mother passing away, I stayed with her and visited my father during the summer time (like most children whose parents aren't together). A few years after she passed, I went to live with my father. Just to put it out there, this was his first time ever having to raise a teenager. We had a wonderful relationship (and still do, for the most part) before I started living with him. I used to always get in trouble in school for speaking out of turn and he'd tell me, "some people just talk a lot, you have a lot to say". I was a daddy's girl... possibly by default due to the absence of my mother, but a daddy's girl nonetheless. However, upon living with him, he had ways of making me feel like my opinion was not important. If you know my father, than you know he's nothing short of archaic. He's the type to say "Hush child/woman!", and mean it sincerely. I think he was a cave man in his before life. He constantly told me I was child, and I did not have an opinion. He didn't mean it in a harsh way, but that was/is seriously his outlook on any situation where kids are involved.

Whatever the case, upon going home this winter break, I realized we were bumping heads a lot more. Unlike highschool, in college- I set my own rules, run on my own time, and only answer to myself (for the most part). I wasn't sure how the adjustment of being back home would go, but I knew it wouldn't be peachy keen. All in all, the transition was smooth. Yet, my dad still had issues in displaying his authority. When I was younger, I wouldn't press the envelope so much, but I'm more prone to speak my opininon now and that leads to him feeling disrespected. I used to bite my tongue because I was scared of the consequences, not because I thought too highly of him to voice my opinion. With that being said, I have come to the realization that he put more of a fear of him in me than a sense of respect. When I verbalized this to him, he verified it by agreeing with me, He said, and I quote, "That's right, I'd rather you fear me than respect me." I haven't quite decided how I feel about it, but I do know that I would rather be respected. Others may not agree, and to each his own.

Think about it though, if the only thing keeping someone "in their place" is their fear of you, what happens when their fear of you declines or disappears? If someone stays "in their place" out of respect for you, than there's a certain sense of humbleness that comes with their position, and they're more likely to follow suit versus going against the grain. Why would you want to instill fear of yourself in a person anyway? And if you truly feel it's necessary, why would fear be more of a priority than respect? That seems ridiculous to me. As I said, my opinion on this isn't set in stone. Just thinking it out aloud. Tell me your thoughts.

Contentment is Key,
B

Love?

There are so many catchy phrases and cliche's that people use when referring to love. They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. They say when you really love someone, you want them happy- even if it's not with you. Oh, and let's not forget that real love never goes away, you may not be together, but you'll always love each other. Of all the quotes I've heard, the one that seems to be the most accurate is:

Love is not blind- it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is
willing to see less. -Rabbi Julius Gordon

I got into a 'bit of an altercation' with one of my best friends. My problem was more so with her spouse. Whatever the case, the issue ended up effecting our friendship. I, as well as our mutual friends, do not agree with the way she is treated. Mistreated would probably be a better term. For the men that read this blog, if any, this is not a classic case of "black women being nosey and ganging up on the entire male species". No. This is a case of "knowing when someone isn't being respected or appreciated and wanting them out of bad situation (by any standards) that's bound to get worse."

I was at their place during one of their arguments, and what I witnessed had me furious. As soon as he left the house, I went into a rage of the many reasons why my friend needed to leave him. I went so far as to leave the house to keep from arguing with her and saying something that I would not be able to take back later on. I spoke with two of our friends about it, and their feelings mirrored my own. Nonetheless, we only had opinions- we couldn't make her put our thoughts into action. I went back to try and reason with her, and I felt like (as a friend and out of love), it was in my place to let her know the reality of her situation, the flaws, and then help her come up with a solution. I was capable of doing things that could put the ball in motion. However, to do these things would go against her wishes. Yet, her wishes went against what I felt was the best thing to do.

I was having a HUGE internal conflict. After speaking with her, I decided to leave the ball in her court. Initially, I felt that in doing this, I did not love her enough to do what I felt was in her best interest and disregard the chance of tainting our friendship. But I realized that I'm not God, and I can't tell her what's best for her. My opinion may be shared by the few other people whose opinion we hold credible, but that doesn't make it right. What she pointed out to me was that I am not falling back on my stance due to a lack of love for her and motivation to better her circumstances; I am falling back out of love for her and my belief in her ability to handle her own situations. There is no guarantee that I am doing the right thing.

However, I can rest assured knowing my decision was genuine, well thought out, and made out of love.

Contentment is Key,
B

Dont Bother Me

If the devil could have known how I would be after the storm, he wouldn't have even bothered me.

The person who preached at my church yesterday said that, and it hit home for me. I've already mentioned how everything I experienced in 07' made me a better person for 08', but hearing it put like this made it seem that much more amazing to me because it's true. The devil was really trying to wear me out, and I'm sure-had he known that I would end up more content and closer to God than I've ever been, he wouldn't have wasted his time trying to bring me down. With that being said, I'm just going to share some of the other tidbits that were said in church that caught my attention and had me thinking:

-No matter what you're going through, remind yourself that this too,will become a memory and God is only using you. Furthermore, the battle is not yours and you don't have to fight-God will do that for you.
-We (followers of Jesus) are not always surrounded by believers, and even when we are: they are nothing but sinners saved by God's grace.
-Before thy getting, get understanding. Don't seek more knowledge before thoroughly understanding the knowledge you already obtain.
-Prayer is a privilege. Non believers can pray to Him, but they can't get through to Him. When praying, confess your sins because the devil will confess them at the most inopportune time. You don't want to be standing at the throne before God, about to receive your judgement and have the devil giving testimony of all your unconfessed sins. Tell on yourself, don't allow him to.
-Communication is a two way street. Prayer is our way of talking to God. Reading His word (the Bible) and meditation is his way of talking back. You can't talk but not want to listen.

Contentment is Key,
B

Save the World Complex

In a previous blog I said, "Maybe I do get too involved, but I'd rather be too far in than standing on the outside cold."

I was hanging with a friend 2 nights ago, just watching movies, nothing special. I text them last night to see what they were up to, only to receive a response saying they had gotten into a bad car accident and were in critical condition. I called a relative of theirs to figure out what hospital they were in, and I started to feel like my heart was going to burst out my chest. Just two seconds ago I was riding with my two best friends, passing jokes, and randomly snapping pictures than the irony of life came back to put me in check.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay. -Alanis Morisette

I sat in the car numb and sort of dumb struck, forgetting our destination. The tears started to roll, and I'm so sick of being the "emotional one", so I attempted to do this quietly. I admitted to my best friend that I was scared, and her response was "I know". This bothered me at first, but I don't know what I expected her to say. We're better than the "everything will be alright" types of comfort when we really aren't sure of the outcome. However, when we finally got out the car, she walked over to me and gave me a hug... one of those hugs that you hold onto a little longer than normal. Of all my best friends, she's not the most sympathetic nor the nicest, but that was just what I needed. I'm not really one for words when emotionally unstable, the smallest form of affection-letting me know you're there, goes a long way. My other friend asked if I was sad, and my best friend replied, "Yeah, you know she has a big heart."

So that's the term I've decided to coin as part of my self-description. I used to refer to it as my 'save the world' complex, wanting to help every one, even when it's not in my capacity, and caring just a little too much. Yes, it is possible to care too much. However, her saying that made me see it for what it is. I have a big heart. There people who truly have hearts that are that are too big for their bodies, and it's considered an illness. I'm throwing myself right in with the rest of them. Difference is, there's no need to put me on a list and request a different heart for me. This, is an illness I'd like to keep.

Contentment is Key,
B

Chasing the Cool

"Why is it so uncool to smile? Since when did it become hip-hops taboo...
Somewhere along this road we made rules, smiling became the weakness of a fool, silence and anger became the norm, and that's when the party began to lose form. I reminisce upon the glory that's gone- when happiness wasn't looked down upon." -INQ

I'm sure I'm not the first to notice that in attempt to rebel against conformity and "stand out", everyone's began to look alike. I'm not perfect, there are certain trends that I've been brainwashed into following myself. Personally, I think my butt looks good in straight legs. Sue me :)

Whatever the case, it's been blatantly obvious that everyone's "chasing the cool" (as Lupe puts it), but it is now evident to the point of aggravation. For what? Who has defined what makes a person cool, socially acceptable, superior to someone else, or any other term that makes a person worthy of the "in crowd"? People spend so much time trying to fit in and earn popularity for material reasons that they lose their depth. Their surface appeal is composed strictly of glitter and any other objects that shine, making them more noticeable. No digging is needed because they wouldn't dare want you to get your hands dirty in an act as trivial as digging.

&& it's kind of pathetic.
&& i'm kind of sick of it all.

Those same people you spend so much time trying to impress are the same people who will make a mockery of you. Yet, you so willingly become the court jester- wearing a mask, disguising your true self, all for the sake of a few laughs and plastered smiles. Is it really worth it? Do you really feel the need to change who you are in order to be accepted? Are you that insecure? Unhappy with yourself? Are you, in your truest form, not enough?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, it might be time to re-evaluate those you find worthy of keeping your company. Being the black sheep in the bunch was what once made you beautiful. Now it's not hard to find you wearing whatever outfit your last saw on your favorite music video, claiming a religion whose God you don't understand, quoting lyrics with words you can hardly pronounce, bragging about your ill-gotten gains, falling victim to the peer pressure you've let your "friends" place upon you.

Check your ingredients, before you overdose on "the cool".

Contentment is key,
B

Silence is Golden

Done peeped now, that talk is cheap now. If you aint got the walk to back up that talk, its a conversation you can keep now. -Red Storm

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence. -Ansel Adams

I started writing this blog with the intent of talking about the many ways silence can be interpreted. I still plan on hitting the topic specifically, but upon reading the quote mentioned above (by Adams), my thoughts turned to something different.

I decided that the quote by Red Storm was the motto I am living by for 08. However, I've realized it's just a wittier way to say the thing our mother always told us, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Think about it. Red Storm basically says that he isn't entertaining the idea of anything but sincerity. If you don't mean it, don't put it into words. If it's not something genuine, keep it to yourself. In the same token, Adams said don't use silence as a tool to block hypocrisy, be content with it at times when words don't hold truth and nothing else can replace them.

Curse that day. My career, as I know it, would be over.

Back to regular scheduled program:

I was watching The Great Debaters (two thumbs up && highly recommended) and one of the debaters says he always wanted to be the quiet mysterious type, but he couldn't keep his mouth shut long enough... don't I know the feeling. I got to thinking about why quiet people are perceived as mysterious. I haven't reached some grand conclusion on the issue, but it's a thought to consider. Nonetheless, it's funny because there are other times when silence is considered to be disrespectful or deceiving. When you're questioning someone and they're hesitant to answer, it's pretty much understood that whatever they're about to say is a lie. It's also mistaken for stupidity. Silence can also lead to being forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind- right? The same goes for those who don't speak up. There's also civil disobedience, and when silent during these situations, it's considered a form of passive resistasnce. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Just welcoming you to the amazement I shared at the thought of it.

Contentment is Key,

B

Not Quite Thanksgiving

My mom died when I was 9 years old (welcoming introduction right?). Seriously though. She's been on my mind A LOT for the past 3 days. I'm 18 now, and that may not seem like much to most people but as Jay-Z said, "you put on two tube socks, you couldn't walk in my shoes." I've done so much, just to find myself receiving my college education in her hometown. I can't help but think what she thinks of my accomplishments/failures thus far.

"Now that you're gone, it hit us...
super hard on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
This can't be right.
Yeah, you heard the track I did man,
This can't be life.
Somebody please say grace,
so I can save face and have a reason to cover my face."
-Kanye West, Family Business




I find myself thinking of her at times when it seems like everyone should acknowledge her absence, yet I'm the only person noticing the 'missing link'. Whatever the case, her absence is a daily reminder of those here on Earth that I'm thankful for, as well as the experiences that come with knowing those people. With that being said: Lord, I thank you for-

1. My grandmothers, both for very different reasons.
2. My siblings. God giveth and God taketh away. My mother may not be here in the flesh, but I have 4 brothers/4 sisters and no lack of love as a result.
3.My best friends (in NC & VA). They have taught me the true meaning of communication, loyalty, patience, compassion, comradery, and the list goes on.
4. My god children. The responsibilities as well as the joy that comes with claiming them can not be measured.
5. Every person I've fallen in love with and truly given my heart to. No matter the outcome, love is love and at the end of the day-a valuable lesson is always learned.
6. Imani Marie Scott. Lord, you know her better than I do. You know the magnitude of her significance in my life. All I can say is 'HALLELUJAH ANYHOW!'
7. My relationship with you (Lord). It has kept me through hard times, long before I even chose to acknowledge it.
8. My personality/character- being who I am and how I am has worked against me at times, but it's consistent and true: which is more than I can say for most things now-a-days.

This list could go on for days... I just wanted to pause for a quick second and show my appreciation (granted-this is only a small symbol of how thankful I am). God is truly good.

Contentment is Key,
B

Cat Killer

It's official. I'm a cat killer.

I might go to school in Philadelphia, but I stay in Charlotte, NC, and my house just happens to be located in what most people call the "boondocks". Anywho, it's 6 in the morning (I should have been in the house), foggy beyond reason, I'm on a winding country road, and (duh) it's dark. I can only see things that are directly in front of the car, and putting on high beams only worsens this condition. I'm driving, and out of nowhere appears a cat. I went into an immediate state of shock (I honestly don't even think I hit the brakes), and I was repeating over and over in my mind, really fast, that I hope the cat made it across the road in time.

It didn't.

I heard and felt when the car hit it. There were two BUMP sounds. My friend told me later on that this means that not only did I hit it, I hit it with my front tires and then again with my back tires. Needless to say, I felt horrible- hence me writing a blog about it. I went back this morning to see if it was going to be there, and it wasn't. Hopefully it made it alive. A crippled cat's better than a dead one, right? For the sake of my conscious, I hope so. If the cat belonged to anyone, assuming it wasn't a random-stray cat, my apologies. Really.

Contentment is Key,

B

-the 'contentment' closing doesn't seem to fit this time, but.. uh.. yeah.

Mistake Overturned

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

I was talking to my best friend this morning and we were making jokes back and forth. Somewhere in the conversation, the tone became serious, and we reflected on where we were at this time last year. If you don't know us that well- let me be clear, we were carrying a heavy load. Literally, all puns intended.

We got to looking back on all we had been through in the past year and realized how well we came out. I've mentioned in a blog before that 07' was possibly the hardest year I've lived through thus far. It was. To be quite frank, this time last year- I was in love alone, depressed, losing weight, and harboring suicidal tendencies. Just when you thought you knew me, right? This time, this year- I love myself genuinely, I've forgiven myself and those I allowed to affect me in a negative manner, I'm more content with myself than I've ever been, and I realize that everything is for the good. For a moment, a long moment, I walked around feeling defeated, forgetting my purpose. It took some time, but I've realized that I have to love me second and God first... in that order, at all times, allowing no one to alter that. This break has allowed me more time to myself, and things are only becoming more clear.

All the things that I went through in 07' just made me a better person for 08'. I was bruised, but I was not broken. I am here. As my best friend said, "we came through the course on top, with a red flag." How could I not notice my achievements? Some of the greatest things you'll ever do will go unnoticed by others, but you have to recognize them within yourself, and give credit to the one most deserving. Yourself second, and God first... in that order, at all times, allowing no one to alter that.

On another note, don't place a question mark where God has placed a period. Reflecting on last year, there were people in my life who I fought for so hard to keep around. They would walk out on me, and I would go chasing behind them. They were my crutch. I made myself believe that I needed them. However, a close friend of mine is pregnant and the father of her child passed away when she was barely showing. She's told me before that she needs him, and I've told her that if she NEEDED him, God would have kept him here. He wouldn't take something away from her that He knew would be essential. With that being said, He knew I didn't need those people in my life, so He removed them. Furthermore, He knew they weren't in my best interest. They did not mean me well, therefore, they no longer had purpose in my life. Their purpose was served in teaching me the lesson of detachment and forgiveness... learning when to let go and when to forgive.

I am not 100% about all of this. To be honest, there are certain things from '07 that I still hold onto and plan to hold onto for a long time. For that matter, I dedicate everything I do to those things. Nonetheless, as the saying goes "out with the old, and in with the new." Things were hard then, but that's only because they were going to be easy now. I had to learn. Alicia Keys said it best:

"Life's perfect aint perfect if you don't know what the struggles for.
Falling down aint falling down, if you don't cry when you hit the floor.
It's called the past cause I'm getting past and I aint nothing like I was before.
You ought to see me now..
Yes, I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned.
Mistake overturned so I call it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned."

Contentment is Key,
B

I Dedicate

"I'd like to take the time to dedicate this to a special somebody..
guess I'll call him my most recent addition to my collection of male disappointments
Deceiving, you are the reason that I don't believe in finding the love that I need...
&& when it gets cold in November, it feels like it's freezing
&& I fit every stereotype that ya'll believe in cause when I say I'm serious,
you claim you only teasing..
When I'm speaking you only in topic when I'm pissed
&& in a couple years I gaurantee you'll be thirsty
&& by then I'll be looking like Tropicana Twist" -Drake

Where do I begin? This week has been a teacher, for lack of better words. I believe that I am hard to impress. I also know that I'm social, and I take to people quickly. I'm a "people person". Nonetheless, when someone has certain rank with me-I don't put them on a pedalstool BUT I do hold them at a higher position than I do others. In the same token, my expectations for them are at a higher caliber. With that being said, I am also easier to disappoint. I know the best way to avoid disappointment is to hold no expectations, but lets be real. Words have power. They give you hope. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't want a career in journalism. Like the top of my blog says, "Flashy words make the world turn."

Long story short, two people have lost so much rank with me over the course of this week for completely different reasons. One of them just showed me a side of them that I haven't seen in the 2yrs I've known them, and the other lied to me. Well, I can't say that they lied because it was not direct. However, they lead me to believe certain things, and their actions revealed different emotions. The things that were revealed to me were things to be considered, but did not affect me directly. Yet, their actions that counteracted what was said to me did. Like I told Beans (**shout out, the lyrics are the biz right? lol) I'm starting to not even trust in the actions of others-even those are screwy. Theories aren't considered facts until numerous trials are run and the same results are given every time. That's what I'll put my faith in from here on out-things that are tested and proven, time and again.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we deceive. That's life though. All is well. You can't stop the sun from setting nor shining.

Contentment is Key,
B

Fav. Quotes

I had my favorite quotes running down the left side of this blog, but I learn more quotes every day-therefore adding to my list of favorites. I've decided to just turn it into a blog. That way, when I learn new ones, I can just add to it. Here's what we have so far. Check back on it from time to time:

Even after all this time, the Sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that- it lights the whole sky. (Hafiz)

We live a love that even God would envy. And for her, I would carry the cross to my own crucifixion if it'd make her have more faith in me. And I would hang from that cross, and you could pierce my side with a spear, and I'd just bleed more reason to love her. And I could die on that cross. And you could bury me in a tomb, and I'd rise on the 23rd hour just to prove that I could not live a day without her. And I'd go toe to toe with eternity for the rights to her next lifetime, because I was the only one made for her. (Shihan)

I don't think much of man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday. (Abe Lincoln)

Nevermore will I ignore the sounds that tell me I was born to write. My first responsibility is to let my caged words take flight, and not believe the hype that what I say don't make a difference... I'm getting older so I got less time to act like I have time to spare.. Sometimes I feel geometric, so my poems go off on tangents. (Mayde del Valle)

I am the darker brother. They send me to eat in the kitchen when company comes, but I laugh, and eat well, and grow strong. Tomorrow, I'll be at the table when company comes. Nobody'll dare say to me,"Eat in the kitchen," then. Besides, they'll see how beautiful I am and be ashamed--I, too, am America. (Langston Hughes)

We do what we have to do so we can do what we want to do. (The Great Debaters)

An unjust law is no law at all. Which means: I have the right, even the duty, to resist- either with violence or with civil disobedience. You should pray I choose the latter. (The Great Debaters)

You say, "The world just don't understand." But I aint the world my love, I'm your woman. (Jill Scott)

I am America. I am the part you won't recognize. But get used to me. Black, confident, cocky; my name, not yours; my religion, not yours; my goals, my own; get used to me. (Muhammad Ali)

They took all our business men and made them drug dealers, took all our messengers and made em' rappers-flappin' their jaws-afraid to admit their treason, took all our soldiers for the cause and made them killers for no reason. (Black Ice)

Small minds are subdued by misfortunes, greater minds overcome them. (Washington Irving)

I just play the hand I'm dealt. I can't say I never knelt before God and asked for better cards at times to no avail, but I never sat back feeling sorry for myself. If you don't give me heaven, I'll raise hell. (Jay-Z)

Success is tangible, don't wait for fame. (Pharell)

I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich. (Dan Wilcox and Thad Mumford)

The rich getting richer, why we aint getting richer? Could it be, we still thinking like niggers? Educate yourself, make your world view bigger. Visualize wealth, and put yourself in the picture. (KRS 1)

There aint no substitute for the truth, either it is or it isnt. You see the truth it needs no proof, either it is or it isnt. And you know the truth by the way you feel. (India Arie)

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. (George Bernard Shaw)

These fucked up times and hard core rhymes got you throwing up gang signs or claiming coasts or shades of colors, with shameless boast of emotionless lovers-that gazed upon that ice that cluttered that pendant you do not follow. Your faith has evaporated and made your soul hollow. (Black Ice)

As long as you're working for your money and your money's not working for you, you'll forever be a slave. Bill Gates did not stack all that cake just sitting around waiting for a promotional raise. (Tommy Bottoms)

I won't be compromised no more. I can't be victimized no more. I just don't sympathize no more, cause now I understand. You just wanna use me. You say "love", then abuse me. You never thought you'd lose me, but how quickly we forget... that nothing is for certain. You thought I'd stay here hurting. Your guilt trip's just not working, repressing me to death. Cause now I'm choosin' life, yo. I take the sacrifice, yo. If everything must go, then go. That's how I choose to live. (Lauryn Hill)

I don't dance unless I hear music. I don't scratch my head unless it itches. I will not be intimidated. (Denzel Washington in Remember the Titans)

I will not lose; for even in defeat, there's a valuable lesson learned, so it evens it out for me. (Jay-Z)

Here we are, centuries after slavery, insulting our ancestors bravery by using phrases daily like: where my niggas, wasup nigga, you know you my nigga right? (Julian Curry)

Swear to everything when I leave this earth, it's gonna be on both feet-never knees in the dirt... You only know what you see, you don't understand what it takes to be me... Niggas see you in the street, pretend to be friendly, I know any type of success breeds envy. (Jay-Z)

This life I live aint for me, it's for you, and God gave me grey skies so that yours could be blue. (Abyss)

I met this chick when I was 10yrs old, and what I loved most-she had so much soul. She was old school, and I was just a shorty, never knew throughout my life she would be there for me. (Common)

I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you, and be less than I was just to prove I could walk beside you. Now that I've flown away, I see you've chosen to stay behind me, and now you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself. (Nelly Furtado)

If I don't force myself to wake up in the morning then maybe this life wasn't my birth right. (C.P. Maze)

I've been passing by people on the pavement passing out judgements as if they're auditionig for the role of God. (C.P. Maze)

My hearts a hard copy rough draft that's hard to got damn edit. (C.P. Maze)

I woke up this morning with a hellafied halo hangover and nothing to put on so I walked out my house wearing nothing but thick skin. (C.P. Maze)

There's a poem still burning in my back bedroom... a broken bible interwoven on the fabric of the bed where I lay my head cause I've been sleeping on His words ya'll. (C.P. Maze)

I am a direct insult to what the fuck satan invested time in. (C.P. Maze)

Contentment is Key,
B

Listen

My baby sister Nia Pearl wanted to type, so:

"pu[[u[yoop;uyo-0[p00
uuppu p7p7 7pp77p7p7p7 7pp7 [] \] 6[[ 6a6 uiiiikooo-- -iii "

Now that she's happy...
I've never been all that good at expressing my deepest feelings, aloud, to another person. Imagine that. I used to think I was really great when it came to this thing called "communication", but I realized I was in a relationship for so long where one person didn't speak their feelings at all and I was verbal about anything. Therefore, I was lead to believe that I had good communication skills. When in actuality, I was just talkative. I've realized just how off my communication is when dealing with 3 people. Let me break it down for you.

Person 1: Thank God for technology. They can communicate their deepest feelings to me- as long as we aren't in person. Through email, IM, and text messages it's all good. When we're in person-they freeze up. They never really say what's really on their mind, maybe they lose their nerve. Whatever the reason, our true feelings go without being said, and I go back to the "sandbox" days where hitting them lightly becomes my way of showing affection. I go so far as to tell them that this is what I call "tough love", and they have to read between the lines. This is my way of communicating. Listen.

Person 2: Hip-hop saves us. I have openly admitted that pouring my heart out isn't really my forte. I was raised around boys and have had my heart broken. The lesson learned: what you don't want used against you, keep to yourself. However, I find myself trying to make my feelings known. I'm not too great, but at the least- acknowledge my efforts. It's hard though. I'm sensitive, to a fault I might add, and once I open up-I've basically given you the power to hurt me. I can't half step or give pieces... all or nothing. And I thought I'd close back up, and for the most part I have. They really don't know what I'm feeling. We're lyrical people though, so I try to send them messages through the airwaves of lyrics, but they aren't paying attention. In giving them songs, I'm giving them my emotion. Listen.

Person 3: Say what you mean, mean what you say. They say exactly what they're feeling, and feel exactly how they say they do. I wish I could do this. I think a certain amount of humbleness comes with this because at times you're shamelessly admitting to feelings that aren't always positive attributes in a person. The crazy thing is... I'm least responsive to this form of communication. Communication in it's truest form gets the least response out of me. Why? Maybe I'm not used to it or I'm not good at it myself, so I can't reciprocate the action. Nonetheless, in this situation- my day to day habits tell them all they need to know. Whether or not they take heed to my actions is another story. Listen.

I'll keep taking stabs at it. Someone will eventually figure "it" out. All is well.

Contentment is Key,
B

My God

I remember reading somewhere that trying to be a better person puts you one step ahead of the rest. The rest? Those who aren't trying to better themselves. That really is not the point of this blog but I just wanted to be sure the statement was understood. Simply attempting to do better, makes you a better person. Too easy.

Anywho, the year is over (clearly, since its 2008) and I just wanted to verbalize all that has gone well. Honestly, nothing this year has been overly amazing. As a matter of fact, this was possibly the toughest year I have ever experienced. The beginning of the year found me depressed and unsure about myself as well as those in my surroundings. The end of the year found me unsure of those in my surroundings (still), but my attitude has changed.

"Something on the inside, working on the outside, oh what a joy in my life."

God has blessed me with a peace of mind. Upon entering my first semester of college, there were a lot of things I planned on doing alone. One of those things was consistently attending a church, and possibly adopting a church home. Well, first semester is over and I haven't stepped a foot into any church in Philadelphia (I've been to 1 in NY and blogged about it... some experience that turned out to be). I would normally have a problem with this and be disappointed in myself, but over the course of this semester-I've also developed the strongest relationship with God I've ever had. I find myself constantly praying (randomly, I might add) and giving thanks. I'm fully aware of the changes I want to make and am trying to make in my life. However, I'm not going to beat myself up about them anymore. Easier said than done. Nonetheless, I am at peace with where I'm at in life.

Granted, there is always room for improvement, and I am not settling with my current position in this world: I am quite alright with myself as a person. I can't explain the feeling, but it's heaven sent. No pun intended. I've also heard the saying, "don't get on your phone to call a friend before getting on your knees and calling God." It holds so much truth. All you have to do is believe. God works wonders. One day at a time. Even when you don't acknowledge His presence or His works, He is there. I don't always understand what He has planned for me, and why He puts certain situations/people before me. But I do understand that He has a plan, and He knows what He's doing-even when I don't. I trust that. I find comfort in it. I encourage you to do the same.

"I'm not trying to act like I'm a perfect man but if you speak about it, you should be about it, not just preach about it all day. Cuz' if you don't, you run the risk of chasing some of the most beautiful people away. And it is never my intention to discourage you, rather encourage you-to change your life today." -Lyfe Jennings

Contentment is Key,
B

Young Love

Something I wrote last year when I was young, dumb, & in love.
No, really.

For those I love, I will bend over backwards. No questions asked, whether you're right or you're wrong.. doesn't matter whose feelings I crush in the process.. I am standing by your side because with you my loyalty lies.

It doesn't matter to me in what capacity you are able to give of yourself as long as I get something.. anything.. just enough to make me feel like you hold me as close to your heart as I hold you to my soul. I will make a decision based on your feelings, ignoring my own because I love you so much and this love is so blinding that I tend to lose sight of myself.

For YOU.. I have that unconditional love.. there's nothing you can do to taint my feelings for you, no matter how things change.. I'll always want you desperately.. but are you worth all the feelings my heart contains?

I'm starting to wonder if loves enough or are the sacrifices I'm making going to be things I look back on with regret... wondering how I let them go for a love that wasn't willing to do the same in return.

Are you worth the people I lose, am I really gaining as much as I'd like to believe.. or am I forcing myself to believe you're my fantasy.. when really I'm only dreaming. Making you into who I want you to be, when you can only be all that you are, and for me.. that's just not enough.

For you.. love.. I am willing to give my all. I am willing to turn my cheek when things you do or say don't bring smiles to my face because I would hate to believe you'd do anything that would contribute to my book of suffering and heartaches.

For you.. love.. I am willing to lose those who love me despite my capacity to love them back. I am willing to lose those who love me in the way that I love you. All I want.. is for you to prove you're worth it.

I gave you so much credibility before you even spoke a word and now you're comfortable thinking you don't have to work to keep your spot. It's a rare blessing for someone to reach the status you have with me, but it's hell when I realize you aren't worthy of that position.

And I truly hope you can prove your worth.. pull your weight.. show me this love is real.. I want so badly to believe this is my reality. If I'm dreaming.. please don't wake me, because life's burdens are too much to bear. Allow me to sleep until the time I awake.. is a time you can prove you truly care.

2 fingers and blessings,
B

Ughh... Yeah.

So.. I've been missing. Again. It's winter break, and I'm a college student... meaning, I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I've still been writing though. I'm back home in North Carolina and found an old poem I wrote on the family computer. Read it and wheat. Is that how the saying even goes? Someone leave me a comment and tell me if that's right :)

She was just closing the cabinet above the fridge
A harmless deed for a ten year old
And in doing that she was about to learn
Something most children her age shouldn’t know
But it’s the 21st century, and in this day and age
There’s so much info. her head must uphold

So now she’s scared under my supervision
And doesn’t feel safe, yet I’m her big sister
She can’t understand why we need a gun in the house
And now I’m dying to dismiss her

Because I can’t put together enough words
To explain exactly why we need protection
Can’t tell her daddy does some things
That might send bad people in our direction

So I send her upstairs to watch the baby
While my head’s spinning to provide an explanation
I don’t want to lie, but I don’t need her to worry
So it puts me in a compromising situation

She thinks it’s a secret daddy’s been keeping from us
But that’s definitely not the case
I’ve been well aware of all that goes on
But she’s never been told for her sake

So, I call her back downstairs and tell her
We just have it as a precaution
She asks if someone will come in and murder us
As if she hears this happens often

Feeling like I’ve told her as much as I can
I leave the rest up to my dad
He comes in asking her why she was above the fridge at all
As if he has the right to be mad

Tells her not to go running her mouth at school
All her little friends don’t need to know
Than he ends the conversation and changes the subject
While she fights to not let her feelings show

So she twiddles her thumbs and flips through a book
To avoid asking any more questions
And I could tell she was waiting for daddy to justify
Why he had a gun in his possession

Did I mention he’s her step dad
Her and I aren’t connected by blood
Yet, he’s the only father she’s ever had
And I don’t think that’s something he’s proud of

Because he’s the only father figure she’ll ever know
And not a prime example of what a man should be
But he’s penalized daily for his past mistakes
And still has to provide for his family

So he does what he has to, that’s how we get by
And it’s become his way of living
No complaints from me, not a thing I need
He will always provide for his children

I can’t say he’s right, and I won’t call him wrong
That’s the way things are when you’re caught in the system
I just hope my sister doesn’t have to go through what I did at her age
And miss him the way that I missed him..

2fingers and blessings,
B