Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Victim of Circumstance, No More


"Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything.
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
And that's what you get for falling again..." (Pretty Girl- Sugarcult)

I need a moment to feel bad, a moment to pour my heart out, a moment to be hurt. If you don't care to read this-that's fine. It's more therapy for me then entertainment for you.

I am a victim of circumstance.
I too easily lose myself in situations before weighing the risk and outcome.
I see the hazard signs before crashing, yet I still stick around for the ending.
I open my heart to people with hopes that they'll do the same.
I am genuine. I expect the same sincerity from others.

"I never ask for nothing I don't demand of myself"

Problem with that is, everyone is not me. Therefore, they won't live their life the way I live mine. They will not love the way I love. They will not cherish the same things I consider sacred. And even when their acts are remotely similar, they still aren't me.

I allow myself to be hurt by people because I'm too quick to put my trust into someone and give my heart away. I ask you to prove your worth (just a little), and when you give me a glimpse of something that might make you a valuable person in my life- I no longer require proof. Who am I to require proof? The real question is: Who am I not to? I love hard. I love real. I give my all. I deserve the same back.

"Respect is just a minimum"
(Lauryn Hill)

Lesson learned: you take baby steps before crawling. Granted, I am not afraid of heights- diving in head first is not always the best option. For the most part, it seldomly ever is. Before offering so much of myself to someone, I must be sure they realize the value of what I am bringing to the table. What I have to offer. Not only should they take heed, but they should respect it. Respect is earned, not given. Passing it out in portions must cease. A person can claim to respect you, but actions speak tenfold in comparison to the lies they may tell. The proof is in the pudding. Wait for the pudding to take form. The ingredients could always make something else if distributed in different proportions.

"Never been a dumb dude, no I'm not dense.
Just had a slight lack of common sense"

Self: don't be so easily swayed. "If you knew better, you'd do better". I know better. My actions should be a reflection of such. No, everyone is not the same, but experience is the best teacher and repetitive actions hold truth. Remember them. Apply them. Don't let up on them. Not even for a minute.

"Lust can sometimes override trust.
She said that's why she gave it up."

Everyone does not know how to demonstrate self-control. Don't expect them to. As soon as a persons actions reveal this much about them, leave them be. Don't wait for them to do something as a result of their lack of self control that could effect you worse than it did the first time. You got a glimpse of what they were capable of when deciding to be careless and irresponsible, what else are you waiting on?

"It's not an easy thing to do.
Sometimes it's hard to face the truth.
It's not the life that I would choose,
but what else can I do if he don't love me
and he dont want me?
I'm not about to sit around and let myself go."

A person's reasons for not staying are just that, their own. I can't lose myself as a result of their feelings (easier said than done). I can't make someone decide that I am worth monogamy. If they don't realize it, then they weren't meant to. I can not change this, so it would be best if I accepted it and kept on moving.

"Something told me to check my time
if I'm the one whose always crying.
Excuses after excuses, pretending that we exclusive."

If I seem to be the only person in a relationship that is having a hard time, then chances are that I am in a relationship alone. The spin put on it to make it seem like more than what it is does not mean anything if it's not the truth.

"There aint no substitute for the truth, either it is or it isn't.
You see the truth it needs no proof. Either it is or it isn't."
(India Arie)

Though things may seem a certain way, especially if they are supposed to provide me some sort of comfort, it doesn't matter unless that's what they truly are. We all know when things aren't as they seem. Faking myself into believing a situation is more then what it truly is only sets me up for disappointment. Be real with yourself by acknowleding the truth.

"And you're so guilty it's disgusting."
(Taking Back Sunday)

When the truth is not pleasant, don't chalk it up and push it aside. Accept it. For that matter, the truth hurts. It may even anger you. Nonetheless, it's still the truth. Facts are facts. Guilty as charged.

"If it's over, let it go and when you wake up
it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday.
I'm just a bird that's already flown away.
Laugh it off, let and go and when you wake up
it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday.
Haven't you heard, I'm going to be okay?"
(Hilary Duff)

I am a survivor. Nothing more or less, and every experience is just another chapter in a book of lessons I have learned. No hanging on, no regrets, but most importantly: No looking back.

"I forgive you, but I can't give you
another chance- you're in my rearview."

If a person is no longer apart of my life, they were meant to be a thing of the past. Leave them there, and if this pertains to a relationship- maybe there is a chance of friendship. However, that's only if respect was involved. If not, no- there is no room for a friendship because even friends respect each other.

"I'm convinved I aint got shit to ask you...
I aint looking at you no more.
I'm looking past you."

It does not matter what will come once a relationship is gone. I have to stop caring whether or not they will feel like they made a mistake, whether or not they will miss me, whether or not they will have a hard time moving on. These things are irrelevant. The more I hang onto them, the more affect they have on me when I'm told about them.

"Makes me that much stronger,
makes me work a little bit harder,
makes me that much wiser,
so thanks for making me a fighter.
Made me learn a little bit faster,
make my skin a little bit thicker,
made me that much smarter,
so thanks for making me a fighter."
(Christina Aguilera)

Maybe the things I have experienced are causing me to become a bit more cold, a bit less trusting, a bit more cautious- but 'it be like that sometimes'.

This is what you wanted right? I'm gone & I'll be fine,

1 comment:

  1. wow.. he/she pissed u off huh?

    Im glad u let the steam out. two tears in a bucket....

    your thoughts and feelings are genuine and i feel that.

    Like i said b4 i love everybody.
    U got me! and until u fuck that up. My ears and shoulders are here at your command.

    love, peace, happiness.